Sunday, July 29, 2012

Quiet on my mind

I recently spent some time in the woods with friends.
After I got past the "I better be on my best behavior, and not act like a dork" phase I realized I was among "safe people"

I traveled into the woods to stay at a friends home for a night, walk in the trees, look at amazing vistas and take photos like a crazy tourist.
In fact every time I looked over at my companions they also had the camera smashed up against their faces. Our respective loved ones, were gathered in a semi circle, unfazed by our photographic assault of the scenery and all just understood that is how we process life around us. Record it...

Our single overnight and full day felt like it lasted for two or three...there were long moments of quiet and the acceptance of that quiet was unique and fulfilling beyond words.

I ate pie, I awoke to watch animals feed in the early morning in the trees and I spent time thinking and laughing.

I need more of those days...many many more

I was holding my breathe to take this, 18 seconds was my max at 7000 ft

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Dedicated to someone I love

image via flickr

A friend from my childhood, heck one of my only friends in that point in my life is having her breasts removed tomorrow. The doctors found multiple lumps in both breasts that were not there last year.
I am not sure I am really processing it all, or maybe I am processing too much of it...manifesting it as my own body.
Regardless it is something I seem to be having tick away in my mind these last couple of weeks.
I purchased a bracelet with her name on it, and have been wearing it everyday since it's arrival, to remind me to meditate on her and her goals from this surgery.
She is a woman who has up to now, been just like her mother; in flaunting her breasts, talking about them and laughing at them. She takes great pride in them and rightly so, they are beautiful.
Is it strange for a friend to admire another friends pride in her breasts? 
It in many ways, has made me reflect on my blessings in this time.
I think that is a really sucky part of finding out that someone is so horribly sick, about to die, or hurting; human nature makes you think about yourself and how you are not that person.
It is a twisted way to see things and reflect. 
Like when you pass a fender bender on the road, my first thoughts are " phew, glad that is not me...note to self, pay closer attention around that curve"

I am sitting here thinking I am glad I am not losing my breasts, I am thankful I have asked for mammograms since I was 34. I am thankful that of the amount of stuff I grow in this crazy body of mine; none seems set on killing me.
I am also thankful that I have her to still call, and send cards to. I am thankful that she gave me my first diary and told me to write in it everyday.
I am in awe of the courage and grace she is facing this terrifying monster who has suddenly taken a spot in her body so close to her huge and wonderful heart.

I wrote her a letter today:

Dear wonderful friend,
I know that tomorrow is a big day and I wanted to let you know that I am with you,
I have been meditating on you and your goals...I adore you and know that you have strength beyond your knowledge.

Which you demonstrate daily.
Also know that people around you want to express their love and support for you and the boys in many ways...allow them.

This is how we all learn to accept love and deeper levels of respect.
Your boys will be stronger men when taught that giving love and compassion makes them real men.
Allow them to help and be whatever you need. Allow your body to heal and let others help you with that.
I love you beyond words and carry you in my heart daily.
Please accept my words as ones of love and care, in a time when I feel useless.

Friday, July 06, 2012 is a grab-bag

I am feeling better.
My friend and I had a super intense moment at the reception following the funeral.
I simply sat next to her, silent but calm and interacting with her daughters.
She looked at me and out of no where said "  am sorry I pushed you away"
I was floored...I said "it is fine, we all need friends in different ways"
She looked at me like I was crazy.
I told her "I sometimes can only deal with things when I have an arms length of space between myself and others and other times I need someone very close to me"
She said that she:
" freaked out when the friendship wasn't doing what she thought friendships should do",
I just hugged her and said " I am sorry for everything and nothing, none of it and all of it."

It seemed to vaporize the cloud that was smashing between us for so long.
I am sure this will be a work in progress for many years...

The Barren suggested I tell her how I really feel, I told him that a reception post funeral didn't seem like the right time.
He agreed, but urged me to not wait too long.
I had a rough week at work, and with my mind and the evil things it is capable of.
Thank you Barreness
 but now I am sitting in the studio ready to get some real work started, done and brainstormed.

I spent last night with two girl friends, they are both artists and the nights focus was gallery shows.
It was so refreshing and invigorating to spend the night out with no drama, no preconceived notions, just art, dinner and chatting.
It was fantastic and when it was over I topped it off with a solo walk in the summer night's air back to my car. The air was warm and smooth, the sun had set but it wasn't dark yet...
I felt alive and free and awake!
Here is the grab bag part...

Oh and after some serious peer pressure I opened the 50shades book...
stop reading now if you liked the book or don't want to hear my soapbox moment about sexual freedom and liberty.

OK in all truth, I opened it much like a book at a bookstore, flipped to a random page towards the front and and started reading. I figured there wasn't a lot of character development...after reading for about an hour in bed alone The Barren came in to check on me.
He started laughing, saying I didn't look too happy.
"what do you think of it so far?"
I looked up and said, well my first impression was that he was a REALLY bad lover.
He told me to give it some more time.
At that, I handed him the book and he started to read and then roll his eyes and then laugh.
We both laughed a lot reading the book.
He agreed, the writing was bad, the story was silly but, we were both thankful for the nighttime laughs. Sadly, this was not meant to be a comedic book.
The amount of "oh crap" and "see how wet you are" made me cringe and I was bored out of my head from the email exchanges.
Now I know both my SIL and other women LOVE this series, and I think that is great for them but really wonder why?
I know we are still struggling as a gender to find ourselves, to act on our sexual impulses and be OK with wanting and needing sex.
I guess the fervor this book has caused with women maybe just highlighted for me that a majority of women are still not asking for what they really want or need sexually.
I guess I am a lucky girl, for my lover just wants me to be sexually over the moon, and he is willing to do anything to make that happen.
Demand that from your lovers ladies!
Then you can write a really hot novel and we can all be smiling from our one handed reads.
(stepping off the soapbox)

Some other women I know have said they refused to read it because of all the hype.
I told them I would report back.

Here I am reporting:
It is silly, the guy is creepy and self centered. The female lead is self deprecating to a level of annoying at the beginning and then just boring after that.
The sex is mild, and if you haven't had some saucy/kinky sex by now, get cracking, because this is not saucy/kinky can think of far more interesting me, I know you are creative women!
In the end, I thought it was beyond boring and disappointing.
by hey, we all beat off to a different drummer.