Gone

 Let me start with this....

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK

I had a CT scan scheduled for 9am on Friday morning, I had drunk a container of barium the night before and was staying away from social media to try and calm my growing list of fears, as I drank the second container.

I had been in my in doctors office on Thursday morning with The Barren 

because I was on the floor, folded over in pain. 

I had STAT bloodwork done, a STAT ultrasound done 

because they didn't know what was causing the pain. 

Things I feared were causing the pain

impending DEATH

ectopic pregnancy (even though I haven't bled since December of 2020)

infertility trauma has trained me well

bleeding ulcer

ruptured appendix

At the hospital, I was trying to calm myself while I waited for CT tech and I heard the receptionist say

 " did you hear? they overturned Roe V Wade"

(she mentioned it quite casually, like, hey I brought a sandwich from home for lunch today)

My mind begun to spin, I went totally numb.

As I laid on the CT bed, and the nurse tried MULTIPLE times to feed an IV into my arm I thought, what the hell is happening right now?!

The scan went on and I was syrup sweet to everyone because they have all lived through years of trauma treating stupid non mask wearing people.

I got dressed, took a selfie in the bathroom and made it back to my car to collapse into a puddle of tears.

I was too scared to move really...I felt lost under water and unable to see where the bubbles were going.

I texted The Barren that the test was done, and I was headed home.

There was road work and delays and as I sat in waiting lines, I screamed.

Screamed deep, guttural, primal screams.

I wanted the men in the work tractors outside my car to hear my rage

I wanted birds to fly off course

I wanted to be free 

I was terrified for the women suddenly stuck in line, suddenly without options suddenly trapped. I screamed in hopes to blast open walls, I screamed and screamed and screamed to empty my lungs of all air, I screamed until I thought I would pass out. 

Then the line of cars began to move and I sat silent in my car the remainder of the trip  like I had pulled all the air out of the space... until parking at home.

I had lost my voice; literally and physically.

My arm hurt, my throat hurt, I was scared to eat, I was scared to move.

I drank a glass of water and then I don't remember what I did....

I had visions of people shooting the justices (there is a new open carry law) in restaurants out of grief,  because their partners died unable to get an abortion for their ectopic pregnancy.

I went DARK DARK DARK and that scared me.

I got text messages from a couple friends, I sent a couple text messages telling friends I loved them.

I skipped out on a night out watching The Barren play music, and instead stayed home and cried.

The result of this has left the men in my life confused and feeling useless. I love them but I don't think they understand the depth this radiates in my sense of self.

I live in a state that has protected the right to abortions and is aiming to add it to our constitution:

"On Friday, Mr. Newsom signed a bill to shield California abortion providers from liability or prosecution related to out-of-state bans on abortions. He also announced an agreement with Gov. Kate Brown of Oregon and Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington to establish a West Coast abortion firewall that would protect providers and patients from the legal reach of other states.

Pending bills would authorize experienced nurse practitioners to perform first-trimester abortions without a physician’s supervision and create a state-administered fund to help underwrite travel expenses for the many women from abortion-ban states expected to come to California for an abortion."

THIS DOES NOT CHANGE MY RAGE

I made donations to abortion aid funds on Saturday and plan to sell some recent photographs as limited editions to raise more funds for Abortion help for people nationwide.

I did a series of self-portraits that I posted on social media and disturbed some friends with their rawness, I was not afraid to be raw, I feel stripped of something...it is a feeling that I can not really put words around, although I am trying here.

I seem to be explaining myself to a lot of men in my life, and hand holding to help them understand why I am acting the way I am. What I am doing is frustrating and I am trying to keep myself from lashing out at the wrong people for the right reasons. 

Has my place in society and my worth changed or shifted now...I know it has for many others over these years and it is painfully punctuated for women of color and trans people. 

What or how are you coping? The WHOLE world sees us and how super fucked up this country is.

I can't form any more thoughts right now...

I wish you strength for your conversations and peace for your quiet moments

Feeling, nothing more than feelings

 I have been feeling a lot.

There is so much going on in the world and around where I live and with the people I have in my life...

I am overwhelmed and have shifted to staring into the ether a lot these days.

We attended the "bans off our bodies" rally locally, I was proud that The Barren had ZERO hesitation about going, knew what he wanted his sign to say and was next to me the whole time while I was overstimulated by simply being outside in public.

There were about 600ish people there and we marched through the downtown corridor.

It seemed like the right thing to do, sitting at home was not what I wanted to reflect on when I thought of how I lived my life.

Ironically, one of The Barren and my first dates was a pro-choice rally nearly 30years ago!! 

I wanted to photograph the protestors and he said, I'll go with you. Then in the middle of it all, he walked up and tried to reason with one of the sign holders screaming how it was murdering babies.

I have a photo of that too

It feels like a Goliath task to try and change things...

every vote seems wrong, every law seems aligned to attack people.

I am scared, like seriously concerned that things have slid and now I am chasing the car as it drives out of sight  down the road. 

****

Our neighborhood is under the influence of a Chevron effort to secure more drilling and potentially pollute our water and Edison (power company) is set to put a new compressor station not even two miles away and put us into harms way from leaks and damaging noise.

Then there is the war against Ukraine and hunger and a million dead from Covid-19.

My parents seem to be rapidly aging before my eyes and my mother in law went out for a drink last week and when she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink passed out and split her head open and fractured a bone in her back....but she didn't tell us until she was home from the hospital.

*

EVERYTHING I have submitted this year I have been rejected from, which has really made me reassess my life and also our eldest niece has graduated high school and I feel a million years old.

My darling husband is so stressed he is considering quitting his job on a daily and I have learned to not react to that...as talking about it or working through alternatives seems to amplify things and makes him even more upset...and it doesn't help the situation for him. 

(I have mentioned again him getting some professional help to manage stress)

SOoooooooo 

I am having lots of feelings with no place to take them

We got boosted again (second boost) and I have been trying to go to the least congested yoga classes in studio with a KN95 mask on...I am the woman in the mask in the back of the room!!

I thought that maybe my mood would be boosted if I did some social yoga instead of impressing the cats with my bedroom yoga.

We are still out on the results on that one.

*

I also got The Barren to help me shift the garage around and cull many things we are feeling weighed down by...so the thrift store picked up a heavy load.

I gave my darkroom enlarger and assorted trinkets to a local guy who was setting up his first darkroom, my meditation teacher helped arrange that match. It was bittersweet when he drove away...I only cried a little. It seemed like a perfect example of time passing and aging.

I decided to focus on what I could do, and 

I signed up for some alternative process classes, using less toxic elements and I am looking forward to learning new things.

I am feeling time more these days than normal...I feel myself becoming another person. I am not sure who she is yet, but she is learning to navigate a lot of life on her own, weighing situations out. 

On the outside that mostly mostly looks like, watching and listening more....

I feel more like an adult, I never wanted to feel like a grownup, and suddenly here I am feeling just that.

Here is a photo of me doing what I love best. My friend produced this image.

We have not been able to visit as often as gasoline prices are between 6.50-7.00 dollars a gallon now and it has factored into my budget now.

I am looking forward to some good changes...there has got to be some good changes around the corner... right?!?

Sigh