fighting against it all

We attended a Black Lives Matter rally two weekends ago.
We paraded around (in the car) the protesters with hand-painted signs of support.
(this was our social distancing version of protesting)
I am reading new books and learning how to be a better anti-racist.
but there are people that didn't support the cause...
one of our favorite Vietnamese take out places put a Black Lives Matter sign in their storefront window and some customers asked him to take it down that it made them uncomfortable.
He refused...and thankfully he mentioned it on his social media page
and received a load of support!
PEOPLE!! Seriously!
I am feeling the water creeping closer to my head in this fight...

I was reading what other countries are reading and understanding about the US.
and I was not surprised.
We are a train-wreck and then this happened...

This is why Americans are still dying and contracting the virus.

This is an example of people I live near.

I fight everyday to think the best of people, believe that most people are good.

I do hold that as my starting point.

This is why it is questioned every day and why I am terrified to go get groceries.

Thankfully the city council voted to mandate masks 

for all indoor businesses, and government offices, it was a close vote though!!

4-3 for masks

My town is on a watch list now, as we have had a spike in cases.

over 100 new cases over the weekend and an increase in hospitalized cases.

This is how the US is dealing with the virus.

we have a peeing section in our pool.

If you are outside the US, know that there are millions marching against this.
We have more registered voters than ever before.
Most of us DO NOT WANT this reality.
MANY of us believe in equality and justice.
We want a change to the establishment.
WE ARE FIGHTING.
if you are an american and live abroad

PLEASE VOTE!!

Twisted

I have been keeping up with my home yoga practice.

Many days it is like pulling myself through taffy, other days it is total joy.

This practice is healthy for me, as things are upside down in my country.

I am ashamed, angry, heartbroken and yet still hopeful.

I have begun a re-education of myself and some days it feels as though 

I am studying for a huge exam. 

I am learning to understand where and how my white privilege has benefited me.

I am understanding how many of my brothers and sisters have been denied opportunities and treated differently because of the color of their skin.

I am not talking about simple understanding; I am trying to understand the depth that white supremacy has taken a hold and been a part of culture here in the US.

The scary stuff, the hard stuff....the deep understanding of what I don't see and why.

Example one:

I am a hippy kid, a child that was raised in a multicultural neighborhood.

I had friends from all backgrounds and my mother made a point that we 

be "color blind".

I realize that was a mistake now, that by not seeing the beautiful color of my friends, 

I overlooked/ did not acknowledge, the beauty of their skin and missed out on their cultures.

I am looking into my fears and prejudices and trying to understand where they come from and if they are from trauma or outside influences.

It is hard work, but I know the hard work needs to be done to make big changes.

For myself, my relationships and our future.

I was exhausted and was watching Former President Obama speak in a town hall. When he came on the screen, I felt my whole body relax....like the safety of a familiar friend had arrived.

Then, I listened to Dr. Bernice A. King speak and say:

" don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I am feeling the responsibility of the world,

a frantic need to understand everything from everything all at once...

these words made me feel a little better.

In my readings I have discovered so many beautiful wonderful non-profits.

Amazing artists, beautiful poets and writers.

Activists and support systems.

It has been a supreme enlightening, like turning a page in a story and discovering so many new treasures just around the corner.

Even on my meager income, I am thrilled to become a donor to a number of groups.

We are attending a peaceful protest rally tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it.

Masks, glasses and social distancing in place.

We are starting with "parading" which is driving around the protesters with signs of support..
then if it appears safe for us to join the crowd*...we will.

*There are new cases and deaths from the virus every day in my town. Two weeks ago my city was one of the first in our state to open up patio dining, beaches and parks... and so floods of people from larger cities descended into our little beach town....ignoring many precautions.

I am working on so many things right now mentally.

I am trying to be an artist and create things,
but have found that the pressure for an artistic response about:
 the virus 

the Black Lives Movement

the isolation

the loneliness

has made creating impossible for me.
During meditation the other day I came to understand that...

I don't think I have processed it all or enough yet to create a response yet.

I am recalling Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk about the "Elusive Creative Genius"
and taking heart in it.

So I am starting back at square one and beginning my walk again.

What is important to me

What brings me joy

what do I love to do?!

I am ready to twist myself into whatever shape I am suppose to be.