Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The roads walked

I'm a sucker for a funny vagina reference

I have been MIA, sorry about that.
I have been stealthily reading blogs and trying to keep up with all your beautiful lives.
I have been slightly depressed, nothing huge,or concerning just quieter...so I have kept on the down low.

The Barren and I went on a little trip, to the other side of the US.
It was cool and grey and a wonderful change from our current local that is always on the verge of bursting into flames...really. I learned that many people can barely believe that my state is in a stage two drought and that everything really is dead or dying from lack of water. It is sad, and people are now regularly performing rain dances...with conviction. for real...really
I also learned that although we live in a dry (lack of water) state, we have more produce options than others and I am thankful for that....besides the lower carbon footprint, I am use to the greens and citrus.

The place we went was quiet and magical and serene...
we did some good karma yoga to help the MIL and it was just what we needed.
We went on many walks, and looked at stars at night.
We watched sea birds and listened to the night and water lapping on the rocks outside.

Included in the highlights were the following:
I traveled for the first time (IN MY WHOLE LIFE) on a boat with out getting sick...
I used yoga breathing exercises and burst into tears when we landed, I was so proud and happy.
I ate ice cream almost everyday and felt no guilt, just joy.
We stayed for a week, and left the day our nephews and their parents (The Barren's sister, hubby and kids)
arrived for a week with the MIL
(totally unintentional to miss them, but in hindsight a good thing)

Now we are home, and things are back into the swing of things, it was a rough transition back,
 but we are on track.
I got a text from my MIL two days after we left that described her scene:
We went to the island today.  Fantastic day.  Really warm and no breeze.  Little bam -bam had a complete and total meltdown because he couldn't run and jump all over the rocks on the cliff edge.  There were even signs  posted that said no rescue was possible if someone fell, but that didn't matter to him!  They are off having dinner and I am at home in the peace and quiet.  I think I am only having Big brother this summer.  Little bam-bam is still pretty out of control.  The Island must have been twice as crowded as when we went. What a difference a week makes! "

My nephews are wild things, totally out of control and only the eldest is over-parented; so it is no surprise that the younger is still totally out of control. This is the same nephew I apologized for at the memorial when he was running around the gathering screaming "sexy lady" while his parents shrugged and said
"what you gonna do"

I am now back into my practice, The Barren is traveling already for work...
 and I am fighting some serious focus issues again.
I had a wonderful time away, and returning has highlighted how over committed I am and how stretched thin I am, and how easily I am distracted from my to-do list....
There are some possible BIG changes in my art career on the horizon and I am struggling to find a way to still do all that I need to, to generate income, while trying to transition to full time art making.
I fear it will be two full time jobs for a while. I expect it will be hard and I can do that.
It is the panicked, I am struggling more with; the finances involved with this trial, and the pressure to sell enough to maintain it....or heck make a few dollars on top of covering costs!
Alas, I am charging ahead of myself...I won't know until July...so until then I am trying to make new work.
Save some cash...and be positive for a healthy heart and mind.

I have also discovered that I have really distanced myself from my infertility.
I don't think about it anymore...I don't focus on what I don't have, or should have.
I am me, and my love makes us.

I ran into an old co-worker whom I haven't seen since 2007 and she asked if I had finally had kids.
Mind you we were in a bank lobby and she has a booming voice...it drew the attention of a woman sitting in a chair waiting for a teller...I smiled and said, we tried for a long time but it didn't work. She then told me that another woman we worked with got pregnant and she would give me her number so I could call her and find out how. Inside my head I thought, I should be gracious and say thank you, but instead I said " we can't have children, I've seen many doctors and had surgery, but it is OK...we are very happy"
The lady in the chair, looked up again and then smiled and looked down.
I escorted this former co-worker outside with me, as I had had too much conversation in the bank lobby.
She told be some more about former co-workers and I was reminded how far I had traveled, and how much healthier I was now.
I have dropped my subtitle, I am no longer The Barreness: infertile woman
instead I am
The Barreness: Artist


Mali said...

What a great post. Eating ice-cream every day is a must on holiday. I applaud you. I wanted to do that in Italy last year, but figured three months of gelato every day would be overkill!

And I just want to scream at your former co-worker. But impressed that you handled it with aplomb! (Obviously the lady listening would agree with me.)

Also well done on the breathing exercises on the boat trip. You are awesome. Hmmmm ... maybe that's what your subtitle should be? The Barreness: Awesome!

Amel said...

LOVING this! The Barrenness: Artist. What a beautiful subtitle! :-)

Agree with Mali that you handled the former coworker's response gracefully. Bravo!