Thursday, May 23, 2013

Fork in the road

image via etsy
I am finding that I am slowly remembering a long list of things that will never be.
Like I am in a way saying another goodbye to them.
I am working hard at not being bitter as that is one of my fears.
to create a bitter leftover version of myself
I think this latest cycle has been a reminder that I will not carry a child.
Like all the words and years are rushing up on me.
My period use to be a couple days: no biggie, no major shift in my life.
Then I tried to get pregnant and they became these HUGE productions; painful and pointed.
Then 6months ago the surgery, and now they are strange performance art pieces; I never really know what is going on, and what to expect next.
I am still bleeding, even though I have been back on the pill for three days.
I am really along for the ride.
When I was expressing this disappointment to The Barren the the other night,
 telling him I was done bleeding, I wanted to get on with my next 90days,
I had a wave of sympathy for my uterus.
Maybe it is not done doing it's thing, I mean clearly it is...but maybe it is mourning too?!
I said aloud to him, " I know one day sooner then I want it, I will not be bleeding anymore and then I will be sad about that too"
He giggled and said he understood what I meant.
I am realizing that I am turning the corner and beyond child-making.
It really isn't gonna magically happen.
This made me reflect on all the "positive affirmations" that I have been repeating year after year.
What happens emotionally when you are not gonna get what you wanted.
Not like a toy, or jewelery or cars or houses, or jobs....but a vision of family.
I wonder what those
 feel good, be nice to yourself, believe in miracles, expect the impossibles?
I still collect them, I read them, I try really hard to believe them, wanting to live the words.
I try to not be cynical when I read about others starting their IF journey, knowing that my story doesn't have to be everyones outcome.
What do I do now? How do I start re-building my self identity I mean time is ticking away.
Life is short and have I already spent too much of it hoping against hope?
Waiting and crying and wondering what I could do to make something that would never be happen.
My SIL is 6months pregnant with their third child, and as she posts belly growing pics online, and fetus updates, and updates us all on her cravings and aches and pains...
I wonder what does it feel like?
Something so natural, became so unnatural for us...the hippie kids couldn't make a baby?
The teenager could, the IV drug user could, the fighting couple could.
I feel that strange sense of numb again, the numb I felt (or didn't feel) when I was slipping into depression, but I am not terribly sad this time. I am not terribly happy either.
I am present, here and now.
seeking a new path
a new identity
Not wanting to re-invent myself...but wondering who I really am.


Egg Timer said...

I understand that cynicism, it is bound to happen, and every person seems faced with a particularly fertile family member. I am sorry this is a difficult time for you.

claire said...

i know exactly how you feel

nicole said...

It is interesting, as we watch ourselves evolve. Our emotions not quite as strong as they once were, but still there. Not quite sad, but not quite happy. These things we go through - are so complicated. I felt I could have written this post. I think our journeys as of late have not been that different.