I had my pre-op today.
It was horrible to sign the forms, that state: "you could die"
on them as remote outcomes from this surgery.
I was wiping tears from my eyes when the doctor walked in and saw me.
She asked what she could say that would help me feel more at ease.
I told her I was afraid I was going to die.
She gave me the chances of me dying from this surgery and they are pretty slim.
She spent time again answering my copious list of questions that ranged from where am I going to will this effect any sexual function and has assured me that she will have my best interests in mind when assessing my reproductive system.
She still has this little light in the back of her head that this surgery will "fix our fertility problems" and so in many ways she will be operating to protect my fertility.
That looked weird typing...
She knows The Barren has the right to make calls if things look bad,
and he knows what I do and don't want to happen.
She ran down what she will do, and good to worse versions of each step.
She told me that I can expect some bleeding/spotting after the surgery as they
" are going to put a device into your vagina to manipulate your uterus"
and that if I wake up with more then three holes from the surgery it was because they were unable to get the excised pieces through the scopes.
If she sees a tumor she will send it to pathology while I am asleep and will then contact my hubby for approval of what is or isn't to be done.
These steps are the scariest scenarios and she knows that.
She has assured me that I will be sore and uncomfortable for a few days.
and then the final instruction: nothing in your vagina for two weeks
I left her office with labs and instructions for hospital pre-registration.
I was terrified and in auto mode, complete what needs to be done....
The Barren left for work and I finished up on my own.
When I got home, I met a friend for a cuppa tea and she saw how exhausted I was...today was harder than I thought it would be and I am now allowing myself the rest of today to feel scared and cry uncontrollably.
Starting tomorrow, all meditation focuses on Strong, Brave and Confident me.
I don't want this to take me out, I don't want to be defined by this, I don't want this to be the end of my happiness, I don't want this to stop me.
I want this to be the start of a new path, I want this to be a gift, I want this to allow me to walk taller, I want this to make me stronger, I want this to be OK.
I am so sorry for what you are about to be put through.
I promise you this: I will continue to call you my own. I love you and want you to be healthy and happy. I will nurse you back to health and comfort you when you are sore and achy.
We are in this together girl.
No matter what they do to us, we have each other.
They can try to get us down, by making us feel like we are broken but we know we are stronger than that. We will recover from this and find many new fun adventures. We have been through a lot of tests and have been introduced to many people, some were even nice enough to introduce themselves first before making us swallow a wand or finger. We are hopefully about to crest, and have far less introductions in the near future. We will celebrate this victory.
In the meantime, be strong, be brave and know that you can recover from this latest challenge. I believe in you!
Love, your life long person