Some go this way...

“Some go this way. Some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short cut.”

The Cheshire cat 

I thought I would give the rest of the world a peek at what it is like where I live right now.

It occupies much of my mind, and time and takes up a lot of space in my head.

So in many ways I am documenting it here, maybe in hope that it will seem funny after a while.

 via Instagram: Gripster2000

Yes, these are screen captures from my phone and I hope you can forgive my luddite qualities.

My county still has an average of 600+ cases a day and about 20 deaths a day!

We don't have enough vaccines but to inoculate 75+ year olds and medical workers so far.

All appointments are gone, and we get weekly deliveries that are given to the above group...

The governor expanded to allow vaccinating 65+yr olds 

but there is not the inventory to allow that. 

Yesterday our stay at home order was lifted and so outdoor dining is available again starting Friday.

It makes zero sense.

sigh

I continue to stay indoors, taking online classes and attending zoom lectures.

Doing yoga in the living room or studio...

There is rain this week (for the first time since last year) so all my outdoor park classes are canceled.

My father is finally recovering from his surgery, thanks to my mother being a drill sergeant and making sure he does his breathing exercises and walks and sits in places other than the bed.

It was a bumpy road but thankfully, looking better.

I really enjoyed sitting with my mother and waiting for updates about my father. The time highlighted that she is older, and I am older and our time here is fragile and uncertain.

My stress levels during all this have been through the roof, I fear I have massively altered my digestive system and I am now trying to regain control of it.

Do any of you get heartburn or ingestion 6+ hours after eating? 

I am experiencing that, I can not lay flat in bed right now, and 6-8 hours after eating  in the evening I awake with chest or stomach burning....I get up drink water and sit up in bed and then fall back to sleep.

But, MY GOSH this is getting old.

Stress Much lady?!

Okay this post has become quite a bitch fest...

I am understanding that I am the person who reaches out to others...I am that person.

I am a person who enjoys simple pleasures, like a pretty plant or listening to rain or falling asleep on the couch watching tv or reading while hubby strokes my hair or holds my hand.

I love the sight of the sun peeking through the branches of a tree.

I love having vivid dreams and sitting with the visual memories for half a day trying to figure out what it all means.

I love a cup of hot tea and sometimes a cookie

I love the cool air on my face and blankets up to my neck

I love that last week when I left my parents place, I saw my nephew riding his bike with a friend and when I waved and said hello, he said "Love you Auntie" he is 13!

I will take that and wrap it in my softest folds of self and carry it forever.

Blue dress and pearls

 I awoke today ready to wear something different...

I didn't wake up soon enough to wash my hair first so I threw two barrettes in my mop and shimmed on a dress I had bought online in mid 2020 thinking I would wear it to an art gallery or show.

That didn't happen but I made it work as a celebration dress for today...I dug through my jewelry box and found my pearl necklace, I was gifted a pearl necklace when I was 13. I think I have worn it twice...

Today, today was the day.

A blue polka dot dress with a peter pan collar, and my pearls! 

I watched the inauguration from my phone, holding my breath terrified something horrible was going to happen, and then she walked up to be sworn in and I started to cry, happy light tears... like an exhale that I had been holding for far too long.

A woman in power, a woman of color and substance

HOPE

*******

I have been taking self portraits since the beginning of the year, to help document what feels like a slow decline of my mental health. I was gifted a polaroid camera that takes multiple exposures and it fits well into my photography style. 

It is a classic response that artists turn their gaze on themselves first; they are the closest and most eager subject. Self portraits are as old as art itself...

January 15th 2021

© The Barreness.blogspot.com

Photography is what saved me from myself before and I feel that it is still trying to do it again.  I treat my camera is like an enchanted being...a separate living entity that is capable of influencing me. It has convinced me to mostly be braver than I thought I was, stand my ground to capture what scares me, excites me and inspires me...for that I am forever in it's debt.

I have been taking almost daily self portraits since before quarantine, and it feels like a hissing valve is releasing each time I press the shutter. With this new instant camera it feels a little like spirit photography, except I can capture my mood or dual most dominate emotions running in my mind.

The year hasn't changed much since it turned back to January, in many ways it feels like a 2.0 version, same shit, some features amplified, while other are phased out.

I haven't been sleeping well, despite the fact that I am still meditating multiple times a week, taking vitamins, exercising, and eating healthy...but I am haunted in my sleep by the loss of my animal companions, relationships, travel, forgetfulness and desires.

Last week I was so exhausted, I made some lentil soup, The Barren and I ate, I smoked some pot and slipped into the bath (that barely covered my knees, we are still in a drought) and then fell into a sleep. I was in bed for 11 hours, and slept for maybe 9 of them.

I tried to do it again last night, but I was awake most of the night again, either peeing or staring into the darkness of the ceiling and trying to make the constant static in my ears dissipate.

This week, my father is having back surgery for a pinched nerve that has left him hobbled and unable to stand, walk or sit. The surgeon explained that he could only do this "relief surgery" because there are no beds in the hospital and so this was the best he could offer. Ideally this will reduce some pain, and allow my father to stand again. I'm a little scared but I will spend the day waiting with my mother and bear witness to her manic swings in mood.*

*my mother is my fathers EVERYTHING and she doesn't sleep much and refuses to nap so she prone to bouts of manic swings of extreme happiness or sadness based on what she can process.

2020 was TOO REAL

It was too much, too often, too deeply, and too brightly raw