Wordless Wednesday

Mac and Cheese

sometimes that is all you need to make everything

just right

Coming and going

Well the 6th grader is running amok....

I had done some work during the day, and was getting kind of burnt out and tired by 8:30pm so I asked hubby if he was up for getting the hell out of the house.

He was and so our adventure to find food in town began.

Turns out, that unless you want to eat at a bar everything in town pretty much closes by 9ish. 

We finally decided on a greasy diner where we quickly ordered up,

 ready for this one.....

Onion rings

Coffee shake 

and

strawberry shortcake

Yep, that was dinner last night! 

I think I use to live off of the few microns of nutrition french fries provides all thru high school...

Somehow this dinner choice made sense, at least that is what we had convinced ourselves.

While driving home and wondering out loud where we left the digestive enzymes,

we saw a sign for a soon to arrive restaurant down the street...it said "coming soon"

that lead to us creating a menu for the

"Coming Soon Cafe"

all dishes are served in a cream sauce

then there are the side dishes

creamed corn

creamed spinach

cream of wheat

or

you can have

Beef Stroganoff

Everyone leaves with a smile on their face

Now I think, it has enlisted the 6th grader in my hubby just to show off how crass they can be
*sigh*

It is all in a name

Around a table last night while enjoying food and conversation

 the topic of naming body parts came up.

I think my cupcakes really started the conversation... (they were a hit)

The men were talking about how they had named their girlfriends/wives/partners boobies...

and the names began.

Apparently hubby doesn't have a name for my boobies, I simply refer to them as "the girls"

The one that received the most laughter was "Cheech and Chong"

Then the conversation went onto testicles and butts and then

someone said "maybe I should name my ovaries!"

I was still laughing about something else and then my wheels all slammed to a stop....

Name my ovaries...what would I call the troublemakers?!

I mean I am so completely connected to them and they are constantly ruling my behavior and choices that it seems funny I haven't thought of it before and given them names by now.

Plus, this is totally feeding my inner 6th grader, who loved talking crass and thinking up funny names for testicles.

I came up with a name for one and hubby came up with the name for the other:

Quasimodo and plain Jane

6th grader

"Lemon make you happy~ nipple twister" cupcakes

I made these cupcakes for a friend that I know is a "boob-man"

I couldn't resist for some reason.

It just was soooo obvious to me to make these.

I can feel the shift, the "let me, be me" shift.

I am finding myself starting to walk further away from the heartbreak of being childless.

I know I can dive into that pool at any time, trip more likely

and mind you, the walk is a slow one, but I feel like I have started to walk.

That is something.

Now I am faced with this inner 6th grader, the one that wants to wear make-up and dress up in strange outfits, listen to music loud and stay up way way way too late (at least for the outer person to work well or drive safely). I don't really care what my neighbor mommies are doing, in fact I find myself prancing around the house thinking, hahaha I don't have kids I am trying to get to sleep while the sun is still out at 8:30pm.

I think I am in the middle of another growth spurt or something?!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my man.

We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:

What do you love about me?

When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.

Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...

I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.

I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost pile...watch two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.

I am thankful for that man of mine.

Wordless Wednesday

I got this email from a woman in the same community garden as me...I am really not sure how to respond:

"At the workday when Flora, Fauna and I were talking about extra weight on our bodies and then jokingly we began blaming our children for the weight. I just want you to know that it was silly talk and we or I do feel fortunate to have birthed a child. I come from a a family of 10 children and only the last two of the 10 had children, either by choice or circumstance. Some sibling were satisfied with their choice and some were a bit saddened because of their situation and not having children. But it takes a village to raise a child, and so when we interact with any child either visual or verbally we are giving to them. And so what I'm saying is that, you are a mother in many ways and what you do is amazing!"

* the names have been changed to the Cinderella fairies

I can appreciate that she is being sensitive to my personal situation...but I am not sure how to really react or if I should.

 In some ways I am a touched that she wrote this to smooth whatever hurt feelings she feels might have been poked by overhearing this...in other ways I am a little insulted that she thinks that I could not interpret a casual conversation/bitch session as just that.

What do you think?

Cyst, boom, meh

The Bath by Alfred George Stevens


I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.

Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples

Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONE tech has treated me like a person who has lost.

The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.

Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.

This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.

Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your relationship...so I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!

Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)

The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.

That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.

I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump.
My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!

I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.

Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.

I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina enough...so here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...

I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you.
Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.

As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.

OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.

I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.

I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)

The one gem I can take away from this is:

I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.

My name is The Barreness and I grow stuff

Long Long time, like yesterday

I have been filled with sorrow as of late.

I am missing my grandmothers terribly.

One passed away in September 2006, the other in December 2008.

It feels like an eternity ago I was sitting next to either,

or

feeling their hands rounding my back in a hug.

My last words with my Nana, had her laboring for breath.

As I was leaving from a visit, she reached out to me... I turned and asked her what is it ?

What are you wanting to tell me...

and thru labored breath she simply said "I love you" 

I looked at her and told her I loved her too.

Three days later she was laying on her bed, surrounded by family

taking her last breathes thru her fluid filled lungs.

I don't remember my last conversation with my grandmother...

I spoke with her often over the phone, as I was unable to visit her in the care facility she lived.

My grandfather was in one too, and since his death in 1991 I promised I would never go back into one.

Even for my grandmother.

I was a selfish granddaughter that way

So I called a lot and spoke to her on the phone, mailed her pictures of the garden and visited with her at my parents home, away from the memories of a care facility

We carved pumpkins together in October and celebrated my parents anniversary together in November, and I called to wish her a happy Hannukah in the beginning of the month.

Then I got a call to come to the hospital a few days later; she was asleep after another fall and was not going to wake up.

We were surrounding her as well, when she took her last breath

She finally escaped the body that gave her so much pain.

Now years later I am left with the emptiness of not being able to call them.

Not hearing their voice

Smelling their perfume or soft skin

Sometimes I wake from sleep, I can hear their voices say my name

I have stopped having dreams of my grandmother yelling at me,

or

my Nana driving and complaining they got her hair color all wrong

Now I simply just feel left, like they are calling me from far away

They feel so so far away

To Hell With It All

I am having one of those kind of weeks!

I am having trouble focusing on my tasks...hubby is working late all too much.

I am in a state of constant hunger and all I want to do is make it all work.

So tonight I introduce a new theme:

 "To hell with it all"

Maybe if I throw caution to the wind and kick loose a little

I can shake back into place what is out of whack

I wholeheartedly support any of you doing it too!

Life is too short for this bullshit