So I am about to do something WAY OUTSIDE my wheelhouse.
WAY OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE
I have been asked to be a panel member to speak to artists in college.
It is part of the career services department and they asked me over a month ago.
I said yes thinking that I would freak out less as time passed and it would all be ok.
I sent an email last week confirming that it was still a go (half thinking it would be canceled)
but instead I go the response that yes it is still happening and in fact I was on a panel of four people addressing something like 60+ students!
who are the other artists on the panel I wondered as I read the email...
oh, you are the only artist.
the other 3 people are two gallery directors and a Whitney Biannual recipient.
When I read this, I began to cry and then proceeded to spiral into a full blown panic attack!
They couldn't find anyone else!!!
Thankfully, even though The Barren was on the other side of the country for work, after he stopped laughing after learning the news, he was able to walk me off the ledge and get me to laugh too.
I am speaking about my everyday as an artist sitting next to the very people who judge and jury my work. I offer a unique perspective to the scenario....
I am crazy scared that my words will be hard to find, and fumbled when spoken.
I want to sound cool and collected and honest.
I then freaked out about the mop that is growing out of the top of my head-vanity
...I will be attending this event after morning yoga, then a full day of work!
I am getting a haircut tomorrow in hopes to shock it into submission for at least 48 hours.
The Barren will not be able to be there, and I have not told anyone that I am doing this.
Mostly because I am not sure knowingly having someone there, might not calm me down.
My freak flag is about to fly....
I am nervous but in my heart of hearts I know I can put on a mask of calm
and ideally speak clearly and in a helpful manner.
It is real
I am an artist
I can not not support myself on my art alone, but not from lack of trying
but that doesn't stop me from making art...
as it is the only way I know how to connect and understand the world around me.
Okay, haircut, clean clothes
tic tacs, deep breathing and don't trip!
Mantra: speak slowly, honestly and gracefully
and laugh, because really this is a first world problem and although it is scary it will not kill you!