Friday, June 27, 2014

That time of year...

It is that time of year, the time where I see my doctor and get a once over.
I was nervous about my weight and my blood count numbers and if I was gonna be in a better place than I was last year at this time.
Mostly would the doctor say I was a good patient and doing what I was suppose to be doing=
you are not gonna die from your own doing tomorrow or next week.
for some reason I don't want to disappoint my NP.

She is quite mellow and loves that I always go with a card to remind myself of all the referrals I need.
I was naked and sitting on that horrible exam table paper as we relaxed and slowly went through the medical history updates and what vitamins and exercise I am doing, when I started to sweat...I mean drip sweat.

I told her that it seems like that these days I run hot...she says it happens in the office,
but that I might be starting the menopause countdown...ugh...
Seriously, am I really already at that time in my life?

When the time came for the pelvic exam I went to lay down and realized at that moment,
that this was going to be undignified.
The whole lower half of me had sealed with the exam table paper...
it was totally coating my ass, my thighs and vagina.

I found myself peeling paper off my ass as she performed my breast exam...and when I needed to stirrup up she said I was indeed  an overachiever, as I got it stuck everywhere
...she even had to peel some away to perform the pelvic and I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.
I told her that I seem to only experience these things when I am in her presence, and I guess she needed a new Barreness vagina experience, because our last ones where not exciting enough.
She giggled....I sighed

As she finished up and left to write up orders for mammograms and ultrasounds,
I peeled the rest of the paper off myself as best I could so I could get dressed.
said paper shreds, they appeared all day long
After giving blood and being told I was clear to go I left in search of caffeine.
I stopped at three coffee shops on the way home, I was going to binge on chai.
Not every place offers almond milk and so I stopped at two new coffee houses to test their versions, only one of them had almond milk, so I drank that one as I traveled to a third caffeine house for another!
It was my vice, and I ate a bagel too, with hummus!
Crazy I know!

My desire to do the right thing has taken over my eating patterns these days and I find I am sometimes walking a fine line in an effort to not become obsessed with counting and reducing and restricting myself.
When I make a "bad food choice", I am also trying to not beat myself up over it.
Instead think what would have been a better choice.
It is hard, and takes effort.
I am very quick to be mean to myself, and relearning to be kind is a task indeed.


Mali said...

Oh dear. The joys of gynaecological exams!

I do like the phrase you've ended with. I've spent most of today beating myself up for making a bad food choice at lunch, when I just have to live with it. It's not as if I'm going to do it again tonight or tomorrow. Sigh. I'm hoping we'll both learn to be nicer to ourselves. Good reminder, thanks!

Amel said...

Right on. It is very hard to be kind to ourselves. Great reminder!