I awoke today ready to wear something different...
I didn't wake up soon enough to wash my hair first so I threw two barrettes in my mop and shimmed on a dress I had bought online in mid 2020 thinking I would wear it to an art gallery or show.
That didn't happen but I made it work as a celebration dress for today...I dug through my jewelry box and found my pearl necklace, I was gifted a pearl necklace when I was 13. I think I have worn it twice...
Today, today was the day.
A blue polka dot dress with a peter pan collar, and my pearls!
I watched the inauguration from my phone, holding my breath terrified something horrible was going to happen, and then she walked up to be sworn in and I started to cry, happy light tears... like an exhale that I had been holding for far too long.
A woman in power, a woman of color and substance
HOPE
*******
I have been taking self portraits since the beginning of the year, to help document what feels like a slow decline of my mental health. I was gifted a polaroid camera that takes multiple exposures and it fits well into my photography style.
It is a classic response that artists turn their gaze on themselves first; they are the closest and most eager subject. Self portraits are as old as art itself...
Photography is what saved me from myself before and I feel that it is still trying to do it again. I treat my camera is like an enchanted being...a separate living entity that is capable of influencing me. It has convinced me to mostly be braver than I thought I was, stand my ground to capture what scares me, excites me and inspires me...for that I am forever in it's debt.
I have been taking almost daily self portraits since before quarantine, and it feels like a hissing valve is releasing each time I press the shutter. With this new instant camera it feels a little like spirit photography, except I can capture my mood or dual most dominate emotions running in my mind.
The year hasn't changed much since it turned back to January, in many ways it feels like a 2.0 version, same shit, some features amplified, while other are phased out.
I haven't been sleeping well, despite the fact that I am still meditating multiple times a week, taking vitamins, exercising, and eating healthy...but I am haunted in my sleep by the loss of my animal companions, relationships, travel, forgetfulness and desires.
Last week I was so exhausted, I made some lentil soup, The Barren and I ate, I smoked some pot and slipped into the bath (that barely covered my knees, we are still in a drought) and then fell into a sleep. I was in bed for 11 hours, and slept for maybe 9 of them.
I tried to do it again last night, but I was awake most of the night again, either peeing or staring into the darkness of the ceiling and trying to make the constant static in my ears dissipate.
This week, my father is having back surgery for a pinched nerve that has left him hobbled and unable to stand, walk or sit. The surgeon explained that he could only do this "relief surgery" because there are no beds in the hospital and so this was the best he could offer. Ideally this will reduce some pain, and allow my father to stand again. I'm a little scared but I will spend the day waiting with my mother and bear witness to her manic swings in mood.*
*my mother is my fathers EVERYTHING and she doesn't sleep much and refuses to nap so she prone to bouts of manic swings of extreme happiness or sadness based on what she can process.
2020 was TOO REAL
It was too much, too often, too deeply, and too brightly raw
3 comments:
I was watching with you. I'm so glad you found hope. Or rather, HOPE.
I'm also so glad that you are finding ways to ease the pressure. Sleep is key, but not being able to sleep is hard. Maybe after today it may come a little easier?
Hoping all is well with your fathers op. Sending strength. And remember to breathe.
Thinking of you and thinking of your father! I hate when people are in pain. It affects everything. I hope this procedure alleviates it.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately too, and I am having to focus on taking care of my mental health before all else these days.
Agreed. 2020 was "too much, too often." <3
I hope your father is doing well! Mine slipped on ice while clearing snow off the driveway two weeks ago and cracked two ribs. :( So hard to see them getting older and more vulnerable. :( I love your self-portrait!
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