Maintenance

Body Maintenance
I finished all my yearly doctors appointments last week!

then finished the week with my period

Just in time for national period day.

(here in the US)

I am unconsciously themed it seems.

I get white-coat and so I try and make all my appointments at once to sort of
  "pull the band aid off in one fell swoop" 

It kind of works...I am a basket case for the times I have appointments and usually fall into a nap afterwards because it stresses me out so much. 

Eyes and teeth were in September.

Last week was the physical/pap, mammogram, pelvic ultrasound, breast ultrasound, 

flu shot and blood-work.

I found the doctors scale is 7 pounds heavier than the scale at home and so she told me to loose 5 pounds. She tells me every-time to loose five pounds.

"Keep up my healthy lifestyle choices and check in again."

Hormones tested for menopause and they came back normal as well, no signs of the change yet.

All in all good news and all reports point to a healthy body.

My loss anniversary is next week and I have found myself in a mood...
staring a lot, melancholy and simply kind of lost in thought and feelings.
I lack motivation, and drive.
I spend the days that should be productive days in the studio staring and napping.
I try to fill my days with activities; planning grand ideas of what I could do in the course of the day, but instead end up eating ramen and watching movies.
When I am in yoga class I think of all the things I should be doing in the studio and then when I am in the studio I think I should be in yoga class.
In reality I stare at the papers from past entries and print out other opportunities that I end up not submitting to.
Some BIG stuff happened recently,
I got a cover of a magazine
I got into an international art guild
I am having my artwork installed in a new hotel

All really good things...but I still seem blue and unfulfilled.
I am trying to figure that out.

Duck and Cover

Hiding from the world

I work with a sibling, we've worked together for decades...

either at a family business or an outside business run by someone else.

Regardless, we are still siblings and so that dynamic is still very much in play.

Yesterday was a tough one....

we fall on different sides of the spectrum on many issues and we are both strong willed so conversations can get heated but always civil.

Yesterday they arrived and put their soap box down and stepped on about a half an hour after arriving. 

The difference is that I recently have been listening and not commenting back-

firearms was the first topic

then meat

then critiques about how I respond to situations.

When tensions are highest, is when the business is under stress from deadlines 

and family responsibilities outside the office.

Yesterday, I knew was going to be tough because we are understaffed and there are A LOT of orders due...so I usually brush it all off and most things don't stick.

yesterday was an entire 8 hour shift of things being flung at me.

Our parents visited during that time and even commented that the day seemed to be lobbing a lot at me verbally.

I smiled and did not engage still.

When it was time to go, I was TOTALLY spent from holding up my mask of calm.

I got into the car and drove the hour home in silence.

I came home and feed the cat and fell into bed (fully clothed) and burrowed myself under a blanket despite the 80 degree F weather.

I fell into a daze for an hour...mentally housecleaning.

letting things out...letting things go...pulling words and situations off and out of my skin.

I ate a comfort meal of miso and ramen noodles and went to bed.

This morning I was awakened by the cat throwing up 

(most animal companion caretakers can shoot out of bed from a deep sleep to these sounds) 

I decided that today I was going to skip yoga class and simply be kind to me.

My take away was how it made me feel.

I need to tell them that their words hurt me.

That those same words spoken at home would hurt

I adore my sibling...and often we are a great team 

but yesterday was wicked

Today my state (the whole damn state) is on power shutoff notice....

Autumn has arrived.

the poison oak is in bloom and the wind and fire watch is at extreme.

and apparently tempers as well.

If you have gotten this far...

thanks for listening to me

I think you are amazing and kind and good