Cracked

This week was the closest I've been to actually having a mental break.

Everything seemed to tumble into me

I was overwhelmed by the news

I was overwhelmed with my life

I was overwhelmed by driving

I was overwhelmed by having to choose what to eat

I was overwhelmed my responsibilities

I was overwhelmed and emotional

I was overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness

I made myself go to yoga on Friday thinking

this is your social moment,

this is what will keep you from floating away.

I had been sitting at home staring at submission screens thinking: why?!

I had gone into work that week

I had made dinner for us that whole week

I had paid bills and did laundry

and then the whole world seemed so big and sad and burning and angry

and upside down and wrong, so so wrong.

I could feel it all and it made me tip

I forced myself out of bed, even though I wanted to spend the day sleeping and under the covers

I functioned but felt empty.

After yoga class

I went home and cried some 

(I don't cry much these days so I thought that was a good sign)

then my mother called and I told her now was not a good time.

(conversations with my parents have shifted as of late and require a lot of emotional strength and effort to simply listen and not try and say much of anything, which seems to go unnoticed)

I showered and got dressed and sat.

The old man cat laid on me like a tiny weighted blanket, checking on me 

as I laid there and stared into nothing.

I slept a little

and then The Barren came home from work

I ate something

and we crawled into bed.

I promised him I'd not look at news anymore

I had attempted to empty my FB account of personal images

leaving my business one with only work

Yesterday I took the news off my phone, 

so no more notices of the next bad and horrible that has happened.

I called senators and congress people and asked them to support important issues

protect our planet and our under-represented people.

I unsubscribed from political emails that I get texts from every hour 

The Barren made me promise to protect myself

I feel sooo much sometimes it is dangerous to my mental health.

so I have been focusing on quieting my mind for a little while

I have been asking myself what else I can do to make a difference as one person.

buy less 

less packing

I have been focusing on the things I am doing

and how it means something.

I am trying

Broken Lines

I have been commenting on blogs, but they never seem to appear on the comments section.

So I read what you are writing and have been leaving comments, 

but for some reason they are falling into the ether.

Please know I am trying, 

I try via anonymous and with the website and google logins...

all voids

So sorry that you are not getting my messages of support and hope and sisterhood.

I needed to say that first and foremost.