Thursday, October 10, 2013

Autumn reflections

It is October... already!
I received a note on my social media page that was sending well wishes to me,
as October is pregnancy loss month.
It was a loving gesture that was totally unexpected
and in all frankness shook me a little first thing in the morning.
This is indeed the month when we had the first of our miscarriages.
I will carry that with me forever; I just wasn't expecting someone else to remember it too.
As I was in class this morning, I started to reflect on where I am now, at present, in my life.
I think that I am another step back, further from the center of it all. 
I started reading where I was a few years ago and how saturated in sorrow I lived, daily, alone.
Now I seem to be grieving for that person, the person so lost in sorrow it is hard to breathe.
The girl lost in daydreams of a baby.
 I feel so deeply for her,
and want to make her feel better.
Then I remember that I am her/that was me. 
Is that growth, recovery, coming to terms?
I am not sure

I am not living there anymore, I am simply living.
For real; my eyes are open, I am present.
I think that as this year since surgery arrives I realize that I have been freed from guilt.
I was left feeling this was never my doing, I hadn't left a stone unexplored.
So I was allowed to walk again.
Now it is me against a disease; not me against will or desire or drive.
That places a lot of power back into my hands.
So is it growth, or recovery or coming to terms I am still not sure but I am exploring it all.
As I see that girl who was, I embrace her and whisper in her ear...
you did not do this to yourself.
this was never your fault
you were never meant to carry that weight

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