Friday, September 13, 2013

Focusing under a grey cloud

I think I am fighting some melancholy.
I think it is that, it seems grey and unformed.
I am not sure why....well maybe I do.
I am being tested it seems, or poked...or taunted, still unsure how I am reacting to that.
Maybe that is why I am unsure if it is melancholy or not.
I found out a friend is doing IVF, I have a new niece, one dozen children play daily outside my front door (literally, our front door and garage door are the start and end points of their games),
I got bamboozled into a yoga class this week taught by a woman who is visibly pregnant,
I have purposely not taken her classes as I am selfish and don't want to spend my hour thinking about her uterus being full with a baby.
It twisted my mind so much, that I wasn't focused in class,  and I imagined the sounds coming from outside the studio were those of crying babies and it pissed me off and I wanted to run from the class.
She mentions that she is pregnant in every class she teaches and looks like she swallowed a basketball. I heard her tell a student that her body was not meant to carry the weight of a baby, she misses being able to suck in her stomach...I rolled my eyes and fled to the lockers.
Ideally I can continue to avoid her classes.
There have been a lot of articles about infertility in the news recently,
And of course this sent me to do some Dr Googling on stage IV endometriosis and chance of pregnancy, with IVF or otherwise.
The verdict: less then 5%
It was a stark reality check again,
and in many ways reassuring that I am not missing something.
So back to the focus on my work and self and relationship and the life I want.
A mentor told me the other day that I need to really focus on what I want, career wise,
and then work backwards from that point so I can make that a goal a reality.
Once I let go of the feeling that I was doing something wrong, I was left feeling that I have work ahead of me; panic set in and then yesterday I sat down with my yellow pads of paper and started writing down what I want. What my goals are and now I am working on figuring out how to work back from that point to make them happen.
Big leaps are involved and there are big empty spots too....
focus focus focus focus
oh look a shiny thing....
I think my first task is focusing well
I am not quite sure what the point of this post was.....ugh


Mali said...

I think the point of your post was getting some thoughts out there. There doesn't have to be a conclusion. And the whole planning thing - it isn't easy. Believe me, I know. (And I need to focus more too. The internet is full of shiny things!)

Wolfers said...

I have been away from blogging world, including reading blogs, especially with finding out that two clients of mine are pregnant (*sigh*) and the interpreter who interpret for me in my therapy sessions, is also pregnant (why me?!). So
I totally get what you mean. Hang in there...
Like Mali said, need to focus on ourselves (at my end, I'm still not sure where to start on that- might check your blog often to get some ideas.) So not lurking! :D

Amel said...

You're not being selfish by purposely not taking her classes. It's self-preservation/self-protection.

Take your time...I believe that the period in-between is just as important as deciding on a goal and focusing on reaching it, no matter how uncomfy it makes one feel.

Annie Z said...

I ditto all of the above comments. It's so good to be able to write in our blogs all the things that have happened to us. It is so good to know that people are out there listening who understand and go through the same things.
Good luck with your goals and working out how to get to them. Little by little and enjoy each tiny step as you take it!
Love and Light