Someone Not Me

I had to go to the nursery to recover from what was my Friday...

I buy plants when I am extremely upset, emotionally.

Plants have always set my brain right, the garden and the potted plants on my patio have acted as therapists many times over.

It is a good vice, I mean a plant buying binge is far better in my mind than other vices.

 

I was called into jury duty. I sent in the card and followed the rules, but really I don't want to serve on a jury as I would have a hard time ruling on someones life.

When I got to the waiting room, a judge came in and talked about

how important it is to be a juror.

I listened and understood that I had no control over the day...and I tried to swallow that.

He assured us that we would not be called for family issues, like divorce or child custody.

I took an exhale of relief.

While waiting, someone from court appointed advocates came in and

told us about what they do in foster care....and speak out for abused foster kids...

I was getting mad, I felt assaulted by the sad situation and I wanted to run from the room.

She left and I went back to the drawing I had brought to keep me busy

and listened from my name each time a pool was called.

On the third round I was called to a courtroom.

I was OK with that, and after sitting in a jury chair as the room was quite full

 the judge read what the trial was about and I about lost it...

 

Crime of a lewd act against a child, and multiple molestation allegations

My heart was about to explode, it was beating so hard and I began to sweat.

When the judge asked if someone had a hardship and he got to me,

I stood before a packed room, shaking (I could hear it in my voice)
 and said that being a woman who has lived through 8years of infertility
I could not emotionally handle the details of the case.

He asked if I had a job, if I was married and if I had kids.

( I was angry, as I had just told him I was infertile...
hell, I told a good chunk of my counties demographic )

He then said it was not a hardship and to take a survey to fill out for the lawyers.

The prosecutor asked my name, and I spelt it as I left the room.

He said he didn't pick the jury, but the lawyers did.

I was fighting crying at this point...as I left the courtroom

I made it all the way to the bathroom at the end of the hall
to totally break down in a puddle.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told me:

" pull it together, you can write down why to the lawyers"

Keep fighting it

In another lifetime I was that person who would have wanted to be on the trial,

serve justice and get the wrongs righted.

I am not that person now.

I can mostly accept that.

I am struggling a little;
as I was asking to walk away from a moment of need.

 

I spent the next hour filling out the form,

details about if I knew people who were victims of crime

did I know police officers

did I know lawyers

did I think children's testimony was less valid than adults

and finally an area to tell them if I felt I could be unbiased.

I pleaded that as an infertile woman
I am very sensitive to stories of children and
that the details of this case might send me into a depression, undoing all my therapy.

I told them I could not be unbiased or open minded.

After I finished the survey, I left the building angry
and feeling like I was being forced to witness another horrible thing in life.
 

I got back to my car, knowing I would have to return Monday...

I called my mom to tell her that I might not be able to take her
to her medical procedure on Tuesday and when she said you OK?

I lost it and cried, a lot...no words just tears.

She was patient, and then said "can you tell me anything?
...I said: "the worst you can imagine"

"She said is it about children?"...and I cried

I told her I needed to get some plants

She told me she would foot the bill, I giggled...and then said

"I'm sure your survey will get you excused"

I told her I hoped so, as that was my only hope now.

 

After buying a trunk load of plants and new mulch...

I spent the weekend trying to not think about it.

it was futile.

I dreamt about it, I had quiet moments and panicked about it....

I returned this morning and after waiting,

my name was in the first pool of names called into the courtroom.

The judge excused us.

I looked at the prosecutor and whispered "thank you"

then turned and left the courtroom.

I could breathe deeper

 

I am now home, squeezing the kitties watering my new plants and sipping tea.

I hope I did the right thing