Thursday, July 24, 2014

Building my superhero

I am building my inner super hero....I have decided it is time to take a bigger step, and act fearless.
I am struggling with feeling good again.
I am still going to class three times a week, and sitting in my studio for hours a day, and working at my second job...and doing all the other daily stuff that life requires to function, 
but something wasn't still linking up.
So, I was wandering around in my brain yesterday and found that maybe, just maybe I was cushioning myself...unbeknownst to myself, I was still protecting myself from getting hurt or pushing too hard.
In everything.

So I started to construct my symbols of strength...
I got this shirt and wore it to class today.
I pushed myself harder, lunged deeper, and stretched farther.
I carried this positive affirmation in my mind the whole time.
I have new pants coming too..when they arrive I will reveal them as well.

It seems I am still afraid, I am still shy..I don't know why. 
I just found this corner the other day and opened that door wide and let in sunlight. 
I don't want to be afraid anymore, or tentative.
I want to feel strong and sure and powerful and confident.

I am finding that as time passes and I still wake up at 4:30 am, I like this ritual.
It allows me to wake up with the sun, I get to be in my own head and feel strong from the first moments of the day.
ideally enough to carry me through the rest of it. 
When I feel weak, or tired, I drink water and cry or wish I would cry and 
sit and contemplate what is making the monkeys go crazy.

All this was put to a test the other day, my father was forced to retire.
He is still "young" but a situation arose in his company and that was the choice he had.
He did and then made calls to me and my brother, assuring us that they were fine and that there was no big debt to fear....I think he was really assuring himself, as I was far beyond freaked out (in my head)
and I remained calm and cool until I hung up the phone.
Then I just stared at the wall for several hours...thinking of all the scenarios in my head, flipping through each of them like a rolodex...meeting each freaking scene head on and then letting it pass through me.
Acknowledge and let it go

It seems to have worked, for now.
It was like a scanner, scan then pass it along.
No harm no foul

I am faced with another weekend sleepover, this time with our 10year old niece.
Last weekend was the 6 year old nephew.
I don't know what to expect, or be prepared for but I am looking forward to the time.
I want to be a SUPER Auntie, and be cool and calm and neato
So my focus is to be present:
have super listening skills
be strong and supportive
able to leap to no conclusions
Be her bird or plane 


Mali said...

You sound pretty SUPER to me, in all this. We all have insecurities - I certainly do - but you seem to be grabbing yours, and breathing through them, or facing them upfront. You're an inspiration.

And I love that t-shirt.

Amel said...

Acknowledging all of them and letting them go...those are super powers on their own, so KUDOS to you for not avoiding them or holding them off until much later and for being able to let them go. Enjoy your time with your niece!