Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Information Gathering

Today I went to an appointment that I have been working on not thinking about for weeks.
I did pretty well until Friday when the paperwork arrived in the mail.
I had a consult with a specialist about my cyst (Quasimodo) the one that has been camped out for years and refuses to change or go away. My doc, as a precautionary measure wanted me to get a second opinion that my " hell no you can not go for a scenic drive around my pelvis and pluck whatever you damn well please" watch and wait method was still safe. I understood and quite frankly with all the health issues with family and friends as of late, I needed to step up to the plate.
It was a 6 week wait to see this doctor, and after my visit I see why.
I awoke early and as I sat in bed trying to figure out what time it was The Barren said so what are you going to say? I said I was going to ask if I was in mortal danger with my current modus operandi. He said " she is going to tell you, you need surgery...what will you say then? " Sweet man, playing devils advocate so I could prepare my speech. I told him that I would say " that is not an option for me, what is plan B, C,D, E or F?" He kissed me and said " good luck"
I arrived with my folder of past test results from 2004 to current and sat and waited. The office filled with mid-pregnant women and the door between the reception desk and back exam rooms was constantly swinging open as that same group of women were in a parade circle to the bathroom.
Free samples for the pregnant gals, sadly no drinks were offered to the rest of us.
Is there a suggestion card around....
I was called in and I could feel my heart beating so fast, and hard, I was terrified that I would not have the conviction in my voice to speak up in the face of this newest doctor. I was told on the phone that it didn't matter where I was in cycle that as it was only a consult, I was not going to be examined. Well she was wrong, large paper napkin in place, I did the modesty wiggle to unfold that paper as far as possible and then wrap the ends around my hips so my arse was not blowing in the wind...cross my legs up under me and resume some sense of dignity while I sat and waited some more.
I heard my chart removed from the outside of the door and she sat with it for a fair bit of time, in fact I was taken aback how long she read it....then she entered the room.
We said hellos and then I told her why I was there...careful around the word " get another set of eyes on it" as I was not opening the sightseeing tour just yet. She asked how my quality of life was, daily. Asked what my periods were like, then she asked another question:
Doctor Lady: " so you have stopped trying"
I sat there thinking about Nicole's post, feeling like my heart suddenly got a lot heavier
and in my next breath I said:
The Barreness: " it just didn't happen for us the way we wanted." 
Doctor Lady: " so you have come to terms with that "
I took a deep breath, and said
" as much as I can, it is something I work with everyday"
Doctor Lady: " What I mean is, you are not here to ask me to help you try and get pregnant"
The Barreness: " No, it can not happen the way we had hoped. I am here to make sure that my quality of life is maintained and that I am not putting myself at jeopardy"
Doctor Lady: "That is very brave of you, that is something very hard....do you have someone to talk with about it?  like a therapist or friends...you should not try to handle it alone"
The Barreness: " that is the most compassionate thing any doctor has said to me about my infertility, thank you. That was very kind of you"
Lady Doctor: " I am really sorry to hear that, really, that is sad"
She mentioned what she thinks I have is an Endometrioma and that it can be removed, if I ever want it to be...but if I am comfortable and only in hell a few days a month, and I am OK with that we can forget it. She then mentioned my lovely heart shaped uterus and mentioned that that is the most likely culprit for my losses. She mentioned that that could be removed too.
I told her I understood but now that I am over 40, I have changed paths...realizing that those were options (that were never mentioned to me by the way) for me at 34 when I started trying to stay pregnant. Reality is my eggs are older, and most likely pissed off at me and so I didn't need to invite Pandora into my life. I have had enough heartbreak and pain and loss.
She said she understood.
Scary shit you can be tested for...
In an effort to remove yet another scary option off my checklist, I gave a vial of blood for CA125,
she said that endometriosis can show it as an elevated number but she felt confident that she could tell the difference between endo and a cancer. So I did that too...not thinking about that either.
She gave me a feel, furrowed her brow while I tried to relax and told her I would add her to my list of people who have felt my uterus.
She ordered I get new ultrasounds, one as soon as my next period is over and then a followup 6 weeks later. it was important to start the plotting of the cyst and make sure it was not changing at all. My every four months was not close enough together...ugh
So I have those transvag days to look forward too into the holiday season....HOHOHO
Today is also the anniversary of my Nana's death. She left 6 years ago.
I mention this because what I did next is directly related.
When I was in the middle of finding all this sadness out, and being a medical guinea pig
I had to tell my Nana that I could not have kids.
She was not an emotional woman, in the sense that she didn't cry or hug.
Not a babushka kinda grandmother.
My Nana, liked men, drinks and sex.
When I told her, she looked heartbroken and so concerned...
it made it almost unbearable.
She reached out and simply hugged me.
It was the best gift from her, knowing she loved me so completely.
About a week later, she sent me a card, in it was some cash.
The card said:
" Go get yourself something pretty, it will help you"
Classic 50's gal, pretty yourself up on the outside and it will start helping the inside
So today, after the appointment, I bought myself a couple new blouses.
I even got one for a friend that I know needs a little pick me up too.
thanks Nana


Mali said...

I love that your Nana's gift keeps on giving.

And I love that your doctor was compassionate and real.

Sending hugs.

Nicole said...

Your new doctor sounds SO wonderful. That's great. It so refreshing when you find a doctor that gets it and has some compassion. So glad it went well and wasn't too stressful.

And I LOVE your Nana's gift tradition that you are keeping alive. She sounds like she was a very feisty and awesome lady.


Amanda said...

What an amazing doctor! It's nice to see someone who actually gets it and cares about their patients.

Your Grandma's gift is great. It's nice that you are continuing her advice both for yourself and passing it on to a friend.