Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Shot down

Well since the "fight thing" there has been a lot less TV in the house...a lot more reading and simply enjoying the patio and the amazingly mild summer we are having so far.
We do still record shows that we both like or want to watch because they make us of the new ones we watch is called Love kind of reminds me of a "Love American style" kind of show. That variety show came on when I was a kid and they were more like vignettes then long stories...this program is similar and feeds our desire to not watch a lot and our short attention spans.
Anywhooo I was sitting and working on some art stuff and watching this recorded show, then this part came on:
(background, sister is surrogate for sister and has now had baby, it has been quite funny) 
I was a puddle of tears when this was hubby was doing the dishes and looked up because I was suddenly silent.
( She shot me, tackled me...and began to punch me over and over in my heart)
I was never going to be in this scenario, or one similar to it....then in a moment of panic I looked at hubby and said : Do you want to try something else?!
I think he was as shocked as I was...I was asking if we should open Pandora's box again.
(The Barreness was rubbing her hands together, getting ready for another take-down)

I questioned our choices and decisions to this moment. I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I would take any drug, do any test, go to any doctor...I simply wanted him to have the experience of being a dad. Being crazed and stereotypical and excited about a child.
Hubby rushed over to me and hugged me and I began sobbing, snot running down my nose and onto his shoulder...I couldn't look at him.
He said what would I do if it was simply up to me? If I was the one making all the choices for us.
I told him I didn't want to be in pain
I asked him the same question, what would he do if he made all the choices about this?
He said he would be right here, with me.

Hubby has been noticing fathers and children a lot more; recently he has even been pointing them out and I can see the sadness and disappointment in him face.
It breaks my heart, literally I can feel it crack in my chest.
this compounded with a family member undergoing IVF has caused me to fell less then solid
I am easily sucked into my abyss of questions and self doubt.

I told him again yesterday that I would do whatever he wants me to...
He said that it amazing him to think that I would simply overlook years and years of blinding pain, sadness and trauma for another shot at the same results.
(Madness, simply crazed madness~ she was feeding me by a spoon)

I told him that knowing it is all my fault, all of this was because of me...
that I didn't want him to regret marrying me.
Wake up one day when he was 68 and look at me and think, all that I could never give him.
He grabbed me hard and fast and whispered into my ear:
I will NEVER regret marrying you

(laughing in her ear, she is sure now that she will always have some control )


Mali said...

I have to say that this is often our biggest fear - how our husbands and parterns will react once they realise we can't give them children.

But you know, in the last ten years, I've seen far more relationships strengthened than not, or couples get married after years in a relationship as partners, after learning they wouldn't have children. Our husbands and partners are with us because they want US. Not what our wombs might have been able to give them. And I'm glad you're learning that too.

The Barreness said...

Mali, thank you for your kind and gentle words.

Mommy ToBe said...

This resonates with me. I have feared at the start of our infertility journey (and still do occasionally) that my husband would leave me because I haven't yet given him a child. In the end, I think we are becoming much closer.

You and your husband are lucky to have each other. I hope that you become parents and make those wishes come true.

paradykes said...

This post is quite touching, the pure love that you each have for the other is beautiful.

ICLW # 90 - Bobbie

Nicole said...

i went through a HUGE phase after my hysterectomy of thinking my partner Ross would leave me. Even before I had the hysterectomy, it started. We were both only 28, and since I was barren, I felt he had no reason to stay if he decided he wanted kids as he could easily meet someone else to have them with. And i felt like if that happened, I would be alone forever. I didn't want him to feel "stuck" with me and my lack of uterus. When I told him this fear, he thought I was nuts..

It is such a scary feeling, that you are holding someone back from their dreams. But, it sounds like you have an incredible husband who loves you dearly. It is really wonderful you have each other. Thank you for sharing this beautiful moment between the two of you. It is so touching, real, and honest. It shows the depths of your love. Your relationship is obviously so much more than just having babies, which as I have learned from my mother, is just a small part of a long term relationship.

I am sorry you had this sad moment, but I am so glad you had someone wonderful there to love and comfort you.

robin said...

Thank you for sharing this experience on your blog... I almost cried when I read it, because I had a similar talk with my husband. When I first went to the doctor, I felt like less than a person, felt "broken," and wondered why he would want to be married to me anymore. It's so hard to have those thoughts, and I'm touched to read your husband's response.