Melancholy is my new normal.
I am moving slower, staying near home more, being okay with being alone more.
The Barren is in the middle of all his trips for the year; so I am doing my best to center myself with alone time. Art focusing, reading books, talking to the cats, yoga and growing food.
I am actively trying to be present, but it is like living in a surreal state, where this new world is unfolding around me daily/hourly. It is hard to still wrap my head around how much has been lost, and how much is still being taken by this Sherbert Pervert and his minion of cowards.
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I took the train to meet The Barren after his week long conference so we could drive home together and selfishly I could spend time with him from the very moment he was freed of his work commitments. The train took 6 hours, I got off, hugged and kissed my sweetie and then got into his car and we started the drive back home. I have done this a few times because I can't bear the idea that he would have to drive home, exhausted alone. So I am there as an optional driver and company. This year we stopped at a "plant butcher" so I could have a meal that I didnt have to cook. I tried legumes for the first time in a long while and although I was terrified about how my body might react, it did alright! I had the farts and a little bloat, but zero pain and I was happy about that.
A party this past weekend had questions about how I was feeling and it sat strange with me. Afterwards, I told The Barren that I don't want to talk about my health in social situations anymore. There is so much attached to it, like an oozing barnacle of attached emotions. In the end, it leaves me feeling badly about myself and I don't want to feel that way anymore. He heard me and saw what a spiral it sent me into. So hopefully that will be something of the past for now.
It felt empowering and scary to set that line in the ether.I am proud of myself for doing it.
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My car has driven to the moon and then some, I have diven it over 290,000 miles.The moon is 238,900 miles.
While I was picking up my car from the mechanics after a routine oil change/inspection, I was joking with the woman who runs the office for her brother the mechanic (much like my work situation). I told her that I had worked out really hard that morning and I was afraid to sit in the provided chair, as I might have a really hard time standing again. We joked about aging and new noises our bodies make and then she said, 'We having a meeting of bog witches the first of each month at a local divebar, we call it "bookclub" but it is mostly a group of older gals sitting and making community. Sometimes we make protest signs, sometimes we just bitch or learn about native plants. If you would like to join us, this is where we meet and you are welcome swing by and hang out with us"
I felt sooooooo coool! Like the coolest person in school invited me to sit with them at lunch, because I was unique and they liked it!
Then I paid my $200 bill and left on my broom, that looks like a well loved and cared for car.
