Monday, October 20, 2014

Boo- this is your self doubt knocking!

Are These The 43 Funniest GIFs Of All Time?
I can not tell you how much I love this little GIF.
I don't care if it is real or makes me laugh.
This is my favorite time of year, but I fear the drought will last though the year still....making the fall far from cold and rainy and windy...but instead keep us on our toes for fires and water restrictions.
I have become the water police in our neighborhood, calling landscape companies and hotlines to report water being is scary I have become that woman.
I should wear my pointed hat on the next
This time of year offers a cocoon of sorts in my mind...the last of this years submissions are by weeks end and I am relishing in the fact that I can kind of rest my mind, cocoon maybe sew something or bake something or simply step away from the ledge or anxiety and fear and self doubt.

I have been on the verge of tears recently.
I feel quite raw, and fragile.
My mantras have been helping, and I can recognize when that self doubt is talking under an action.
I asked my brother today if he feel confident, in new situation or situation in general and he said no.
I didn't question further but I find it interesting as I only see him as self confident and ballsy.
Ironically, I visited with an artist friend who is very successful and she and a couple other friends were voicing their own self doubt as of late, I find their thoughts interesting...and comforting.

Artist friend #1:
As far as my attitude about my work…here goes…I seriously feel it is never good enough, pretty sure at the end of most days it is total crap and I wake up mostly in fear daily that I will never be able to have a good idea or at least not be able to paint one if I managed to have one. I recently found photos of a large painting that was going splendidly until I was totally unable to finish it as I wanted to…so, it turned into something completely different. Now, I am going to try that same idea again and demand better results from myself. 
"Paint what you love, paint a lot and find a good gallery…someone who shares your passion and respects what you do." That is my mantra.

Artist friend #2 forwarded this article " universal artist experience"
stating she was toggling between bargaining and depression:
Here’s an idea of what these stages mean to me:
Denial: This is not bad…not the painting I had in my head when I started…but maybe this will work…
Anger: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I find that color? Why can’t I draw a horse?
Bargaining: OK, if you (the Art God?) just let me get this one painting done in time for the show, I promise I’ll clean up my studio and give up popcorn…and maybe ice cream.
Depression: This is never going to work. What made me think I could paint?
Acceptance: Well, this is not bad. This is going to work for now and the next one will be even better. I hope. I just have to keep working at it and I will get as close as I can before I die.
So I take comfort in knowing that we are all mad and sometimes crippled with self-doubt.
Comfort in numbers I guess.


Mali said...

I think so many of us are crippled with self-doubt. I was stunned last year when an uber-confident friend ventured into self-employment, lasted about 9 months, and got out of it, because she felt so insecure. Outwardly she was so confident, but inside she was just as insecure as the rest of us.

I hope you know I take inspiration from you. You're convincing me to get past my self-doubt, and try to put some of my writing out there. When previously I have been paralysed by lack of confidence.

PS. Loved the gif!

Amel said...

Agree with Mali. Self-doubt can be crippling indeed. I struggle with it, too, but I suppose there's more pressure when you're trying to earn some income from it and you're surrounded by other artist friends/people that you admire.

One of the quotes I love is: "Write to express, not to impress."

I know, it's about writing, but I think it goes for art as well. For some reason that quote has helped me calm down.

Anyhow, all the best in your artistic endeavors!

nicole said...

I am so far behind on blog reading, but determined to catch up!

First, the drought you all are having is horrible. we are in a moderate drought, but so far the October & November have been moist and good snow in the mountains. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed California finally gets some of the same.

Second, our the self doubt!! It can be so so so hard. You are magnificent. Your work is magnificent! I am sure you got through this rough patch well as you are a tough and amazing lady. xoxo!