Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Still processing

I am still filtering through the anger and hurt that my family bombarded me with.
The lingering residue that I have made bad decisions is what I am trying to scrub off.
Some choice sentences that I am working on letting go of are:
We are so greatly disappointed.
You can use my uterus
(a loving gesture, but when offered after almost 10years and from behind a glass of wine.
 It is hard to not see it as really a selfish plea)
  • " You should be sympathetic to your friend, she must feel so guilty for being able to get pregnant so easily. Especially when you couldn't, I mean that must have really hurt her"
  • "you can have my kid"
My response: there is a joke saying, if you keep offering me your kid I will show up at your door with a lawyer and adoption papers.
" I am serious, I would consider it"
  • "Even though you are not a "fill in religious preference" like me, I know you are still a good person"
  • "If you can get past a baby not looking like you, the adoption process is really fast and easy. You shouldn't close that door so quickly."
  • "More grandchilden is always better"
  • "Why don't you just have some more surgery and remove your problems and then use IVF and try again. The Barren probably wants that and is just afraid to tell you."
I remember saying at least four times,
"After 8 years and 3 miscarriages, we decided to stop the heartbreak. Adoption never fit our dream of parenthood or our belief system. Becoming parents was never about just "getting a child"
this was met by blank stares and "easy fixes"
I realize that a lot of what they were saying was really them grieving, their losses in this scenario.
I also realize that they made me feel horrible and like it was all my fault, which it is not.
I am very glad it will be a long time before I need to sit in the room with these ladies again.
They have a lot of issues to work out.


CameronPoe2409 said...

Oh my goodness, I just don't know what to say. It is so easy to be so flippant when their reproductive system works perfectly and its the first time I have heard of adoption being a easy fix! I'm truly sorry that you were made to feel like this. xx

LaLa said...

All of those responses are the major reason I will never really be able to tell my family or any friends/acquaintances about my infertility. Because if I had to deal with even one of those responses in person, as "comfort" or a "solution" to what I've been going through, I would seriously have to restrain myself from punching someone - and would probably fail.

These type of "just do this, and everything is fixed" or joking about surrogacy, "take my kid" or any of these half-assed, ignorant responses are infuriating.

I am so so sorry that you had to deal with all of that - I know that they were trying to be comforting, but honestly, that is so insensitive and insulting and heartbreaking...

Mali said...

"I know you're trying to help, but It doesn't, so please stop.". I've said that once or twice, and I know others who have said it successfully.

You're right in the way you're processing it. Understanding where they're coming from though doesn't erase the hurt though does it? Not immediately anyway.


Susan Turner said...

It's so hard to work through what people say when they think they are helping. It can be so insensitive and so hurtful. Things like this said to me make me very angry and upset too. I definitely struggle with trying not to hit someone. Big hugs!

nicole said...

Still playing catch up love.

UGH. Those sentences, while well intentioned, definitely do hurt. They take time to work through and reach us on a deeper level than the speaker can ever imagine. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. HUGGLES.