I am still filtering through the anger and hurt that my family bombarded me with.
The lingering residue that I have made bad decisions is what I am trying to scrub off.
Some choice sentences that I am working on letting go of are:
We are so greatly disappointed.
You can use my uterus
(a loving gesture, but when offered after almost 10years and from behind a glass of wine.
It is hard to not see it as really a selfish plea)
- " You should be sympathetic to your friend, she must feel so guilty for being able to get pregnant so easily. Especially when you couldn't, I mean that must have really hurt her"
- "you can have my kid"
My response: there is a joke saying, if you keep offering me your kid I will show up at your door with a lawyer and adoption papers.
" I am serious, I would consider it"
(ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!)
- "Even though you are not a "fill in religious preference" like me, I know you are still a good person"
- "If you can get past a baby not looking like you, the adoption process is really fast and easy. You shouldn't close that door so quickly."
- "More grandchilden is always better"
- "Why don't you just have some more surgery and remove your problems and then use IVF and try again. The Barren probably wants that and is just afraid to tell you."
I remember saying at least four times,
"After 8 years and 3 miscarriages, we decided to stop the heartbreak. Adoption never fit our dream of parenthood or our belief system. Becoming parents was never about just "getting a child"
this was met by blank stares and "easy fixes"
I realize that a lot of what they were saying was really them grieving, their losses in this scenario.
I also realize that they made me feel horrible and like it was all my fault, which it is not.
I am very glad it will be a long time before I need to sit in the room with these ladies again.
They have a lot of issues to work out.