Monday, April 22, 2013

Empty-NIAW 2013

In honor of NIAW I have decided to post something I wrote two years ago:

Emptiness- containing nothing
Infertility left a hole in me. I was left as shell of myself for some time.
The first sign that something was wrong arrived while I was at work…I got a frantic phone call from my doctor just two hours after my first pelvic ultrasound. “Um… there is a fairly large unknown growth that appears to be in your bladder and we are not sure exactly what it is. So I need to you see a gynecological oncologist, an urologist and get a CT scan in the next day or so”.  I worked at a warehouse and so while she is feeding me a list of numbers and phrases over the phone, I was simply seeking a quiet place to hear all she was saying. When she was done, I couldn’t move; but when I did I shot out the door as fast as I could in hopes no one would see the flood of tears that would be my last for a long while.
I became a pin cushion, I was probed and prodded for months, years…some people were skilled and left no marks, others left bruises, rashes and scar tissue.
I was submissive through this all.
As the months passed, something shifted and I felt nothing; no pain, no joy, no happiness… nothing. Food was not enjoyable; friends were of no comfort. I spent time staring into space, watching the walls be white. I commuted 45 miles to work daily, and often times would find myself at work not remembering how I got there, even though I had driven myself. It took great effort to make easy decisions, like which cereal to buy for breakfast. I was on auto pilot.
I was able to dress myself, bath myself and eat, but I was not there for it.
I stopped expressing emotions; I didn’t laugh, get angry or cry. I was a shell, it was me to all appearances, but no one was home.
The stork has been visiting- 2007
I visited her at the hospital, and cried on the way there. Mourning as I drove closer and closer...
The night I received her call, I dozed off with my arms wrapped around my invisible baby...wanting so badly to wake from this horrible dream I am in.
I felt like Dumbo's mama watching all the other mothers receive their babies.

I have not slept well and had a panic attack in the shower this morning...feeling as though I would faint. I fought the collapse, because I didn't want to frighten my husband in the early hour.
Sadly, it would have been very easy to surrender to the dark.”  Text from BARREN: life on infertile soil
As my bruises healed I was left with the stark reality of having no external symbols of my pain, my heartbreak, my existence.
How would anyone know what was happening…


Rebecca said...

Hi from ICLW. How horrible to have to go through this!

Mali said...

I hope that that seems a long time ago now. But I commend you for feeling brave enough to post it again, for NIAW. (I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say for NIAW too).

Egg Timer said...

Hello, I am here from ICLW and I am touched by both this post and the one that follows. I

Kim said...

I've been reading you for a couple of months now and just wanted to take a moment to say that your posts really hit a chord in me. A familiarity. Thank you for sharing them.

claire said...

I don't know what to say, I feel exactly the same thing.

nicole said...

I am finally catching up on blogs my dearest.

This was beautiful and brave. You are so strong. I have been thinking about writing a post about mending broken hearts. This reminded me that the idea that we have to do so is hugely important, because we've all hurt too much.