Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bumpy, frumpy

I think I have hit a bump...I am feeling a little blue.
Like something is missing or I have forgotten something.
I have chosen to not wash my hair body yes, but not my hair...which means
I get to create new and exciting hairstyles to hide the shiny look.
Why? because I just don't seem to have it in me.
I went to my women's business meeting last week, only to find that only one other woman could make it. What is normally a night of professional conversations about work and goals and business objectives; ended up being an hour and a half of me listening to this dear woman, spill her heart out all over the table and onto the floor.
She is no longer happy with her long term relationship, she maybe wants to have a baby, she turns 30 this year. She told me about her childhood, the death of her parents, the journey to where she is now. The journey she hopes to take to find an old flame and see if there is something still there.
She wants to change the course of things...and amongst these gems, she also told where to find and how to ask for the town gigolo's services.

A fountain of information! I came home with half the salad I had ordered and exhausted!
When The Barren asked how the night was, I just said, I am still processing it.
It was intense, but a wonderful reminder that no matter how together someone looks, we are all dealing with demons and decisions and heartbreak daily.
In an effort to and shake up my blues,
I went to the farmers market, something I use to do religiously and got great joy from. I know exactly when to go so the place is not filled with strollers or toddlers with fruit juice running down their arms grabbing for any hand that looks like mom or dad's.
I talk with the farmers, I buy fresh local food...I smell the greens and sometimes get a new plant for the patio. I hadn't been in a LONG time and it was sweet that the farmers still recognized me and asked where I had been. I took far too much cash, as I spent it all !
Not bad on a scale of bad things...but still no control and maybe a little compensation for sadness.

Once home I upended my studio AGAIN and have now made great strides in organizing it, I tore up piles of images that were bad (not a critique of the work, but literally, had ink smudges on them or bad printing or some other technical problem that makes them un-showable or sellable)
It was liberating and freed up some much needed space!
But I am still procrastinating and finding time ticking faster and faster.
I need to make new work...I am stuck and distracted.

 I also know that a little someone is laughing at me, knowing that something is around the corner....
I have my first cycle since the surgery next week and I don't know what to expect.
 The unexpected looms large...Fear and Pain are sitting and waiting for their name to be called.
Also almost like a trinity, this week is also the birthday of my goddaughter.
She was born two days before Valentines day, and after I spent 26hours at the hospital with her mother watching her come into the world, while hiding my INCREDIBLE period pain from all there...pain that got me into the ER days later and sedated into a pain free state. Only to realize that my ovary was about to explode. Her mother and I had been trying to get pregnant at the same time...except she was and I wasn't, again.
Sadly this beautiful child's birth reminds me of all that too!

I have to figure out how to get my feet free and tap dancing these bumps away.


LaLa said...

Hugs, hun. I hope you can get to using those tap shoes real soon.

Mali said...

"I am stuck and distracted." Yes, me too. Not sure why. But this is not about me, and so I'm sending hugs - and hoping that once your goddaughter's birthday passes, you find some piece and tap dance the blues away.

Nicole said...

Hugs. Man, it can be REALLY draining when someone dumps on you like that.

And when we get the blues, it is amazing how many little things get harder. I hope you are starting to recover...

Sending you love!