Muddled and Conflicted

 The Barren and I are conflicted and muddled in our mix of feelings and emotions about the passing of our brother in law.

He passed under hospice care with his wife, mother and children in attendance.

He died on the 10th after a 7 year journey with cancer, drug trials, medical interventions and the power of prayer. He was deeply tied to his church and a christian fundamentalist. He coached local football and was on the board of the adventist school his children attended and his wife teaches at. He was a big guy, big voice, big personality. We first were introduced to him at a birthday celebration for my FIL where he got fall down drunk and landed in the bushes apologizing over and over for making a bad first impression. He was always offering help with some thing or another. He was well educated and held a MBA & MS Psychology.

I wrote about our "November Trip" to spend time around the table together. We saw him once more last year when he attended the wedding of his mother in law, that The Barren performed. He offered to perform the service, but was turned down by my MIL because she didn't want any religion in it. 

He was in pain and we barely shared a word with each other while I photographed the family, and had a meal at the same table once again. There was another family thanksgiving this year, but we opted to not attend and stayed home instead.

When word came from my MIL that he had entered hospice, we were not surprised but conflicted in our feelings. He was a father to our nephews who we are not close to because their parents chose to not allow it, as we were not "good people", meaning we were not christians. 

(so we thought about the boys, and The Barrens sister)

Over the years, we were fine to reach out to if something was needed, like a schoold donation, christmas gifts or graduation gifts. I left a social media platform because he stated that the confederate flag was not offensive to him, nor was a nazi flag as they were just symbols. He was deeply "american" in that his country came before everyones and should be respected, but had no problem teaching his children that women were here to serve men. He continued to support the rapist in charge of the usa and made sure his family voted the same*...which gave then all great joy. He was a person who was one way with family and another with the world he interacted with. He was a people pleaser and performative around family. 

*the kids are in college

So we sat conflicted with our feelings about his death. Then word traveled around family that The Barrens sister was having a small service and so we assumed it would be the church and her and the kids. We were fine with that. We were outsiders and that made complete sense.

Then I got a text saying "it would mean a lot if we could come."

We have rented a car, and a hotel room and are doing an 800mile round trip in two days to attend. We are even shuttling back our new FIL, as our MIL plans to stay for a longer than he would like. 

The posts are now all over social media and I don't think this will be a small service any longer.

How do you deal with the death of a nazi sympathizer in the family?

Short term: We give. We continue to give and give as that is what makes sense to us. Kindness and love.

I chose to make a donation in his name to a foundation that coaches kids in underserved areas, focusing on girls. “Girls” refers to gender-expansive youth (cis girls, trans girls, non-binary youth, gender non-conforming youth, gender queer youth and any girl-identified youth).

There is also a Gofund me style page set up as well, and The Barren has already said he plans on donating funds to his sister. He even plans on bringing a guitar to one of the nephews who expressed interest in playing. 

Needless to say, we remain conflicted with our feelings, and are muddling our way through.

Who is that?

Recently when I look into the mirror I do not often recognize the person reflecting back at me.

Not in an actual I don’t know who I am kinda way, but an unfamiliar way. I feel disconnected from myself in many ways, and like I am no longer who I thought I was kinda way.

When you imagine yourself, you get a mental image of yourself...and when I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface I am often surprised who is looking back. 

The Barren and I attended a cousins wedding on New Year’s Eve, it was lovely and romantic and the first time in a LOOOOOOONG time that we have had plans on new year’s. The newlyweds are soo deeply in love and it was a beautiful thing to witness. At one point I said to myself, this is happiness, this is joy that you are feeling...it felt so different I had to assess it in myself.

My parents and brother didn't go; my parents because they said it was too much fuss, and my brother because it was a kid free event and he didn't want to leave his home alone on new year’s eve. So the Barren and I dressed up and went and every person I saw asked about my parents and why they were not there. It was hard. I was trying to treat the night as my vacation, my get away for 24hrs. I told that to The Barren and he then understood that I haven’t had the chance to getaway...from anything! So as he watched person after person ask about my parents he saw me. We took photos of ourselves dressed up and smiling, the rain that night made for a chilly covered outdoor wedding and the music was insanely loud, so loud I had a sore throat from screaming all night to talk to anyone. As we left, before midnight, we relished in the quiet of the car and the sound of rain on the windscreen.

It is a strange time we are living in, and being here in the states makes it even more surreal by each hour. I am heartbroken and exhausted and constantly worried about something or another. I am trying to practice radical acts of joy and find things in the day that I can celebrate. I feel lonely and sad a lot more of the time, and despite my activities, I am often solo as the weeks pass. Sometimes I like the time of solitude and quiet, often times it weighs heavy on me and I feel invisible until I am pulled from beneath my cloak...

Example: I was followed in the market yesterday by a man that wanted to tell me how he liked my hair, and admired that I was "letting it go"...he had followed me through to store to tell me this and I am sure if I had said anything other than "um, thanks" he would have continued to engage in some other unpredictable way. I was left looking for ways to be in a more people dense area, making sure I wasn't alone, feeling angry that this creepy guy "approved" of the way I was presenting myself. I texted The Barren and told him I felt super icky from the encounter... and I was really angry. This was only a few days after a man murdered a woman in her own car, and the nation saw. Men are unpredictable and scary.

I am on edge, we all are.

For me, this week had beat me up pretty impressively.

I am involved with my parents and their medical appointments. Once again, I waited to be invited and asked to assist, permission is an important part of trust.

Last week was a lumbar puncture and then this week a meeting about the results with a new neurologist for my father. He had become more confused as of late and the MRI showed fluid on his brain, so that was drawn and the new doctor met with us on Tuesday. He was late, and apologized about that...my father was clearly freaked out because he didn't act out about the wait (they were late for his lumbar puncture too and he was repeatedly slamming his walking stick on the ground in a Gandalf "you shall not pass" kinda way. I had to talk to him like a toddler in the common waiting area explaining how it was disrespectful and how there were others ahead of him), but was quiet on the exam table. My mother was quiet too but angry (about her whole world being turned inside out) next to me...fear presents itself differently in us all. 

The doctor took his time and explained the reason for the lumbar draw, the results of the MRI and what he saw on the spinal fluid draw...and then ordered a blood test (a new one, for Alzheimer’s markers) we talked about gait changes in my father’s walking and concerns about his developing confusion and the talk was a mix of science terms and clear phrases which I followed along with but my parents were clearly overwhelmed by, so I am glad I was there to be the "decoder ring" for them. Afterwards my mother kept saying "you were really good" in that I understood and asked questions as they arose with the doctor. Neither ot them do that.

I was masking well, really well...because what they didn’t know was that I was battling some serious abdominal pain from what I thought was a flare..I had taken liquid antacids down the street from their home...and I was horribly uncomfortable. I had awoken with the pains and soldiered on to make work that morning in town before picking them up and shuttling them to and from the appointment. After the appointment I left their home and was ready to release the emotions of the day when I passed my sister in law on her walk around the neighborhood, I buttoned it up and spent the next hour chatting with her before heading back towards home an hour away.

I didn't get to cry, I was too tired.

I was greeted by The Barren, who had a bad day and I told him, I was just gonna have a thin miso soup for dinner and proceeded to make my dinner. After sipping the soup, I collapsed on his lap on the couch and fell asleep.

I am exhausted and emotionally drained, I feel like I am walking around in a cloud. Not really here or there. There has been so much grief in my body for the last two years.

Yesterday afternoon, I told The Barren that as much as I would like to ignore that I have an autoimmune disease, I am getting punched in the face by it over and over demanding attention. I think I am grieving, not just the state of the world, but my body, my family, and my dreams for myself and my life. It is so frustrating to have ideas and desires to do things, but have less than enough energy to do them. To see them so close, but be unable to maintain the stamina to see them through. I am trying to be graceful with myself, but it is becoming harder and harder and I wonder "who is this?"

My own doctors meetings start tomorrow to talk about my latest results. 

Ideally I can have a good cry soon, like a palate cleanser

A friend mentioned this writing prompt and I found it timely

*Keep your chin up buttercup*