Rocks, and sticks

image via vintagegal

I wanted to post all week, in fact I was so sure that my week off was gonna go smooth I "played hookie" on Tuesday when I felt a little worn on waking for work.

I imagined spending a week making art, and honoring my body's needs. 

I was sluggish and wanted to be kind to myself.

It was the calm before the storm to say the least!

By Tuesday night I had cramps but no period, so I went out with girl friends to distract myself.

I had a glass of wine, shared some time and by the time I got home I was spent...I figured it was any moment before good ol'Flo was gonna show up...but no.

Wednesday I was even more tired and crampy but I kept on trying to distract myself and made some food for a friend in need and delivered some valentines locally. By the time I got back from that little outing I was shaking from pain, and my period had finally started. I took my normal 12hour pain pill and figured all would be taken care of in an hour and I was good to go.

Boy was I wrong...

The next four days were spent sweating, shivering, cramping and calling a pharmacist to see what pain pills could be taken together. I soaked in tubs, walked in circles, curled into fetal balls, and whimpered a lot.

I repeated a mantra: I am thankful for my Frankenstein ovary, I am thankful for my angry uterus.

I can feel all they are capable of, and I am thankful for that.

 

No romantic valentines days here, I had a migrane and such severe breakthru pain, I passed out after taking a Norco. I scared The Barren well enough that he stayed home Friday to make sure I was alright, as what he saw was familiar of times past.

I was scared and worked really hard on not visualizing every ovarian and uterine catastrophe possible. I then vocalized each of those to diminish their power, and laughed in their faces...while crying. I think The Barreness was cooking up some party games for me.

Yesterday, was the party to announce my SIL pregnancy to the family. I was prepared, and mostly comfortable enough to wear something other then PJ's, my period seemed to have stopped and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel....but The Barren was not on board I found.

He was grumpy and sad and concerned.

As lovely as the news is, it is also the reminder of what we got overlooked for.

We left a little early and after the announcement, and headed home.

I was cramping again, and bleeding again.

We sat and watched Downton, and headed to bed...then after a night filled with discomfort, I awoke with extreme stomach pains...

I sent The Barren to work, texted my work that I was sick AGAIN and faced this alone.

Turns out I got some food bore something, and was about to spend the next few hours buckled in pain, and moaning on the toilet.

Before The Barren left, I was groaning and staying "pull up those straps girl...it will pass."

Then it became, "This is temporary, it will be over soon."

To finally: "I am broken, this is what it feels like to be duped, this is how you break a spirit."

 

Around 8:30am, after three hours of groaning, my mother called: "what's going on? I thought you were feeling ok"

Me: crying, and whispering " I feel totally broken, I have been insulted and made a fool"

I couldn't help but remember the words from the doctor, after the surgery...You'll be pain free for 6 months at least after surgery..(off the pill). You'll be so much more comfortable.

I am ok once the pill is in my system, but this transition, this first cycle was terrifying, painful, and insulting. I bled out of my clothes again, I was soooo bloated I couldn't put on my pants, I was on heavy pain pills again and totally not functionable. I felt like a child....

I tried to comfort my dear Barren by saying, in the last three months, I have had surgery, gone onto hormone pills and that is a lot of adjusting in a short time. How can I not expect my body to react.

I get kicked a lot by life, but I'm a tough cookie and I always come out the other side.

It seemed to work for him.

I just need to convince myself now.