Pounding Heart



image via Vintage Printable

The weekend was filled with panic attacks and believe it or not a pregnancy test as AF was super late, from all the stress it turns out.

 

So The Barren and I went to see Special Lady Doctor yesterday.

I took my LONG list of questions and my 2 inch thick binder of years of results and scans.
 I thought I was having a heart attack at least three times on the drive there.

We got to the appointment a half hour early and waited in silence...The Barren held my hand and commented how he could feel my heart beat in it. I thought it was visible to all at this point.

The half hour wait helped settle it a bit, while I watched HGTV on the lobby TV.
The couple that was having their house redone was an infertile couple that had stopped the renovations when they realized their family was not going to grow as they had thought.
The Barren looked at me and we just said "seriously, this is what we were in time for?!"
 

They called my name and we walked into the exam room...my heart exploding again.
Thank goodness they didn't take my pulse, as they probably would have called the crash cart out!
We waited in the room for another 20 minutes.
In that time The Barren looked at the stirrups and questioned if they were comfortable. I told him that it was nice that they had covers on them, so they were not cold.
I assured him that I was not going to have an exam.
He was sitting in a tiny recess in the room that served as an in-room changing area.
They had stocked it with cloth gowns, padded hangers and basket full of pads and tampons.
I watched his eyes go back to the basket over and over...I asked him what he was most fascinated by, he said the names of the products seemed strange and spelt weird.
It made me chuckle and recall how these companies tend to find the most obnoxious colors for their packaging. How as a younger version of myself was always mortified to stand in a line with a bright pink package or a bright blue box, or in the really early days a pack of maxi pads that would now double for a bag of diapers!

He then picked up a magazine and happened on an article about Naomi Wolf and her Vaginia book 

it mentions vaginal massage and yoni tapping and he looked at me and said in my next life I want to be a master vaginal massage therapist.
 At this we both laughed and I was left feeling intense and serene love for this man.
 

The doctor came in and I asked her to go over the results again as the phone call was a hard way to process it all. She saw my list of questions and was happy that I had written them all down. She spent a good chunk of time answering all my questions, telling me what her concerns were and why and laying out a plan. The Barren asked all his questions and addressed his concerns and we in the end decided that it was best to have this surgery.

 

The lowdown:

I have a mildly elevated CA125, it is 29 (nothing going on is 3, full blown cancer is 100) with this number and a history of endo, she is concerned. She explained how she will try to save my ovary but must also assess the risks of it and she understands my desire to keep as much of me as possible. She also will be removing as much endo as she sees, explaining that it too can become additional endometriomas and we want to avoid that from happening. I will be back on the BCP post surgery.

She told me that my barnacle is the size of a lime, it has grown since it was measured last.

 

November 16th is the day

the day after tomorrow my beloved is having his second biopsy for his skin cancer...and all my energy is focusing on him and his health.
I love him so deeply.

On the drive home The Barren mentioned that he felt defensive at the end of the appointment as the doctor mentioned all the options while under:
she could put a camera in my uterus and see what is happening in there
She could tie my tubes
She could also remove my septum, which would probably
 "fix my infertility and my history of miscarriages"
it was this comment that made him sad, as it reminded him of how long this journey has been and how we chose not to have surgery to get pregnant. He said it felt like a slap after the fact.
I understand what he is saying...we might never feel comfortable with our choices.
I had a teacher in high school who wasn't able to have kids because of the RH factor, by the time they had it all figured out it was too late for them to have kids.
Although the situation is different, I feel similarly.
We are 9 years older, tackling the personal and emotional challenges of a life without children.
When a simple sentence like "this could fix all your problems" is said the whole house of carefully laid cards falls and we have to slowly start building it again.
My heart is pounding, my heart is aching

The Barreness is laughing