Monday, February 18, 2013

Rocks, and sticks

image via vintagegal
I wanted to post all week, in fact I was so sure that my week off was gonna go smooth I "played hookie" on Tuesday when I felt a little worn on waking for work.
I imagined spending a week making art, and honoring my body's needs. 
I was sluggish and wanted to be kind to myself.
It was the calm before the storm to say the least!
By Tuesday night I had cramps but no period, so I went out with girl friends to distract myself.
I had a glass of wine, shared some time and by the time I got home I was spent...I figured it was any moment before good ol'Flo was gonna show up...but no.
Wednesday I was even more tired and crampy but I kept on trying to distract myself and made some food for a friend in need and delivered some valentines locally. By the time I got back from that little outing I was shaking from pain, and my period had finally started. I took my normal 12hour pain pill and figured all would be taken care of in an hour and I was good to go.
Boy was I wrong...
The next four days were spent sweating, shivering, cramping and calling a pharmacist to see what pain pills could be taken together. I soaked in tubs, walked in circles, curled into fetal balls, and whimpered a lot.
I repeated a mantra: I am thankful for my Frankenstein ovary, I am thankful for my angry uterus.
I can feel all they are capable of, and I am thankful for that.
No romantic valentines days here, I had a migrane and such severe breakthru pain, I passed out after taking a Norco. I scared The Barren well enough that he stayed home Friday to make sure I was alright, as what he saw was familiar of times past.
I was scared and worked really hard on not visualizing every ovarian and uterine catastrophe possible. I then vocalized each of those to diminish their power, and laughed in their faces...while crying. I think The Barreness was cooking up some party games for me.
Yesterday, was the party to announce my SIL pregnancy to the family. I was prepared, and mostly comfortable enough to wear something other then PJ's, my period seemed to have stopped and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel....but The Barren was not on board I found.
He was grumpy and sad and concerned.
As lovely as the news is, it is also the reminder of what we got overlooked for.
We left a little early and after the announcement, and headed home.
I was cramping again, and bleeding again.
We sat and watched Downton, and headed to bed...then after a night filled with discomfort, I awoke with extreme stomach pains...
I sent The Barren to work, texted my work that I was sick AGAIN and faced this alone.
Turns out I got some food bore something, and was about to spend the next few hours buckled in pain, and moaning on the toilet.
Before The Barren left, I was groaning and staying "pull up those straps will pass."
Then it became, "This is temporary, it will be over soon."
To finally: "I am broken, this is what it feels like to be duped, this is how you break a spirit."
Around 8:30am, after three hours of groaning, my mother called: "what's going on? I thought you were feeling ok"
Me: crying, and whispering " I feel totally broken, I have been insulted and made a fool"
I couldn't help but remember the words from the doctor, after the surgery...You'll be pain free for 6 months at least after surgery..(off the pill). You'll be so much more comfortable.
I am ok once the pill is in my system, but this transition, this first cycle was terrifying, painful, and insulting. I bled out of my clothes again, I was soooo bloated I couldn't put on my pants, I was on heavy pain pills again and totally not functionable. I felt like a child....
I tried to comfort my dear Barren by saying, in the last three months, I have had surgery, gone onto hormone pills and that is a lot of adjusting in a short time. How can I not expect my body to react.
I get kicked a lot by life, but I'm a tough cookie and I always come out the other side.
It seemed to work for him.
I just need to convince myself now.


Mali said...

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrific! Sending you some gentle hugs, and hoping you feel better soon.

Nicole said...

So sorry. So so so sorry. Love to you. This sounds terrible and I hope this week has been better!