The Barren and I are conflicted and muddled in our mix of feelings and emotions about the passing of our brother in law.
He passed under hospice care with his wife, mother and children in attendance.
He died on the 10th after a 7 year journey with cancer, drug trials, medical interventions and the power of prayer. He was deeply tied to his church and a christian fundimentalist. He coached local football and was on the board of the adventist school his children attended and his wife teaches at. He was a big guy, big voice, big personality. We first were introduced to him at a birthday celebration for my FIL where he got fall down drunk and landed in the bushes apologizing over and over for making a bad first impression. He was always offering help with some thing or another. He was well educated and held a MBA & MS Psychology.
I wrote about our "November Trip" to spend time around the table together. We saw him once more last year when he attended the wedding of his mother in law, that The Barren performed. He offered to perform the service, but was turned down by my MIL because she didn't want any religion in it.
He was in pain and we barely shared a word with each other while I photographed the family, and had a meal at the same table once again. There was another family thanksgiving this year, but we opted to not attend and stayed home instead.
When word came from my MIL that he had entered hospice, we were not surprised but conflicted in our feelings. He was a father to our nephews who we are not close to because their parents chose to not allow it, as we were not "good people", meaning we were not christians.
(so we thought about the boys, and The Barrens sister)
Over the years, we were fine to reach out to if something was needed, like a schoold donation, christmas gifts or graduation gifts. I left a social media platform because he stated that the confederate flag was not offensive to him, nor was a nazi flag as they were just symbols. He was deeply "american" in that his country came before everyones and should be respected, but had no problem teaching his children that women were here to serve men. He continued to support the rapist in charge of the usa and made sure his family voted the same...which gave then all great joy. He was a person who was one way with family and another with the world he interacted with. He was a people pleaser and performative around family.
So we sat conflicted with our feelings about his death. The word traveled around family that The Barrens sister was having a small service and so we assumed it would be the church and her and the kids. We were fine with that. We were outsiders and that made complete sense.
Then I got a text saying it would mean a lot if we could come.
We have rented a car, and a hotel room and are planning on doing a 800mile round trip in two days to attend. We are even shuttling back our new FIL as our MIL plans to stay for a longer than he would like.
The posts are now all over social media and I don't think this will be a small service any longer.
How do you deal with the death of a nazi sympothizer in the family?
Short term: We give. We continue to give and give as that is what makes sense to us. Kindness and love.
I chose to make a donation in his name to a foundation that coaches kids in underserved areas, focusing on girls. “Girls” refers to gender-expansive youth (cis girls, trans girls, non-binary youth, gender non-conforming youth, gender queer youth and any girl-identified youth).
There is also a Gofund me style page set up as well, and The Barren has already said he plans on donating funds to his sister. He even plans on bringing a guitar to one of the nephews who expressed interest in playing.
Needless to say, we remain conflicted with our feelings, and are muddling our way through.
