Slowly

I still haven't made up my mind about going back onto the pill...so I guess that really means I am waiting until I can wait no more.

I have been sending out press releases to my show since Sunday evening, and building one of the last pieces for it, slowly but surely.

 It is a nest...and I really like how it looks. the display of it is where I am stuck. My brother has offered to help make a stand for it...but did ask what it meant.

It was strange and almost embarrassing to explain it to him, but realized that I might have to do that over and over again. He has no reference point....I embrace his openness when he talks about his children and his life as a father. I in some ways try to image what it would be like to have a similar story to share with him. So and So did this and can you believe they said that, but I draw a blank and stories of the cats' adventures are a pale comparison to my niece and nephews' antics.

At the same time I have been stewing in the emotions of being childless, barren and suffering from an empty womb. I know now, that it is just my hubby and I forever. We need to make new adventures and have new dreams. I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night, just to hear him breathe, so I can have that forever in my mind and feel it in my heart. I can not image a life without him.

We have gone thru battle, we are still walking in that gear, billyclubs in hand, to beat away anything that might challenge that desire.

In many ways I can see my emptiness as temporary, as I have him to walk with. In other ways I see it as vast as the ocean, as it is just him and me.