Friday, September 21, 2012

Did I say too much

I wondered if I said too much with the last post, pissed you all off...
It came from my heart...pure concern and fear.
I hope that you know that.
When The Barren and I  were in our darkest hours, I saw many many doctors, like many of you have, and what I heard from them were things that would make it easier for them to treat me.
Fixes that would reduce my questions and discomfort. Easy outs.
My gyno told me over a phonecall, when I was asking for a renewal on my pain meds: 
" maybe you should just have a hysterectomy, sweetie, it will make it so much easier for you"
I was told by a doctor in the ER after being admitted for a 8cm corpus luteum, that I should really consider having my ovaries removed because it would avoid problems like this.
I was told by an oncological gynecologist that I should consider having my cysts and fibroids removed, but it would most likely plummet my chances of conceiving, so get a good doctor to preform the surgery to hedge my bets.
I was told by a gyno that my pain was just me being extra sensitive to what a real period was like after being on the pill for so many years. 
I was told by an ultrasound tech that I didn't drink enough water and that I made her job very difficult, then she proceeded to berate me through the exam
After all of this, I went into my primary doctor because I had been exposed to strep through a friend that was a teacher, she looked at my chart and looked at me and said:
" I am surprised you even came into the office, this is not a pretty path, I am surprised you do not hate doctors by now"
I don't, I just don't like it when they give up on me
What I took away from many years of therapy is that:
 it was not MY FAULT that I wasn't able to have a baby.
It was alright that I chose to not walk the assumed path.
It was OK that I wanted to fight to keep my reproductive system.
I had a set of beliefs that made me feel like a person
and removing any of those would remove my belief in self worth.
Trying to get pregnant is hard for many of us, staying pregnant is hard for many of us and hearing that we are not pregnant over and over again is hard for many of us.
What I didn't like and what I see happening to others is that being turned around and women being left as a shell of themselves with the same results going in.
That scares me, I simply want to remind you that you are
whole, you are lovely and smart.


alloallo said...

don't worry... we're all struggling through our own histories and judgements and emotions and worries with all of this. I can't speak for anyone else but I don't feel offended. sometimes I think people look at us (using donor sperm) and think that we're pushing it too far or doing more than nature intended. I don't know how to respond or think about that but all I can say is that it's the right decision for us - and there will be other right decisions for others that I can't fully understand or wouldn't choose.

feeling a bit more free from all that is one of the few nice things that infertility has brought me.

Wolfers said...

I'm not offended either. Was thinking heavily and had been distracted greatly with my own emotions and history...
I know how one doesn't want to hear what doctors say- I certainly didn't LIKE to hear it from my doctors either! Although, in my case, I hadn't any choice...well except to find later on that I'd be dying - so...damned if you do, damned if you don't...that's my motto to remind myself. :P

Mali said...

This is a really good post.

It made me remember going to a knee specialist who referred me to a surgeon. The surgeon looked at me - mid-30s, slightly over-weight, not an athlete (not anymore, anyway), and said "do you have to be able to run?" Argh! An easy out.

And I think that's what's behind a lot of people's standard responses to us. They don't think - they offer what is easiest for them to say, not for us to hear.

Aspgriswold said...

Stopping by from ICLW. I loved the last two paragraphs in your post. There are so many things that we can do try and get pregnant and it is easy to get lost in that. Sorry about all that you have gone through.


Nicole said...

I was not offended at all. And I hear you on doctors giving up on you. I am going to Texas today to see my oncologist because he is a good doctor, and I refuse to change at this point. he never writes off any of my concerns, and always makes me feel valid and listened to.

I am so sorry you've gone through all these hard things, but I am glad you remember that this is not you fault. At all.

Anonymous said...

Also not offended (even as the born without a uterus example ;)!) That is such an extreme option for only the extreme ends of the spectrum :) well done for sticking up to your many doctors.