It came from my heart...pure concern and fear.
I hope that you know that.
When The Barren and I were in our darkest hours, I saw many many doctors, like many of you have, and what I heard from them were things that would make it easier for them to treat me.
Fixes that would reduce my questions and discomfort. Easy outs.
My gyno told me over a phonecall, when I was asking for a renewal on my pain meds:
" maybe you should just have a hysterectomy, sweetie, it will make it so much easier for you"
I was told by a doctor in the ER after being admitted for a 8cm corpus luteum, that I should really consider having my ovaries removed because it would avoid problems like this.
I was told by an oncological gynecologist that I should consider having my cysts and fibroids removed, but it would most likely plummet my chances of conceiving, so get a good doctor to preform the surgery to hedge my bets.
I was told by a gyno that my pain was just me being extra sensitive to what a real period was like after being on the pill for so many years.
I was told by an ultrasound tech that I didn't drink enough water and that I made her job very difficult, then she proceeded to berate me through the exam
After all of this, I went into my primary doctor because I had been exposed to strep through a friend that was a teacher, she looked at my chart and looked at me and said:
" I am surprised you even came into the office, this is not a pretty path, I am surprised you do not hate doctors by now"
I don't, I just don't like it when they give up on me
What I took away from many years of therapy is that:
it was not MY FAULT that I wasn't able to have a baby.
It was alright that I chose to not walk the assumed path.
It was OK that I wanted to fight to keep my reproductive system.
I had a set of beliefs that made me feel like a person
and removing any of those would remove my belief in self worth.
Trying to get pregnant is hard for many of us, staying pregnant is hard for many of us and hearing that we are not pregnant over and over again is hard for many of us.
What I didn't like and what I see happening to others is that being turned around and women being left as a shell of themselves with the same results going in.
That scares me, I simply want to remind you that you are
whole, you are lovely and smart.