Thursday, June 21, 2012

The condition of being mortal

So I have had a really strange week or two, it doesn't come as a total surprise that my dreams would reflect this reality.
I am thinly veiled that way.

To start with a childhood friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer.
It appeared between yearly mammograms in one breast.
 She was considering a prophylactic double mastectomy to avoid cancer showing up in the second breast; but, while waiting for labs, a period of two weeks, additional lumps in the first and new ones in second breast appeared.
She is a mother of two boys, one of which had a long battle with cancer himself, and is currently in remission.
It is events like this that make me question life and a higher being.

As I was bra shopping the other day, all I could think about was her. She and her mom took me bra shopping for my first bra, I think we had "mosquito bites" (that is what my Nana use to say)
She is not going to have breasts any more. All I could think about is how selfish of me to be so concerned about finding a bra that wouldn't show through my tee shirt.
This shopping trip was followed by a road trip to a friends wedding, The Barren was playing guitar for the wedding march with one of the brides uncles, it was the first public performance for the Barren so I went to witness this big event.
The bride is a professional dancer, who married a navy seal.
The church was near base, and so there were a lot of military families around. In fact, the whole town was pouring over with babies, pregnant women and toddlers.
There were hours of talk about babies and starting families and it all made sense.

The base felt like a haunted waiting room.
Loved ones leaving and others waiting for months, year after year.
It broke my heart and gave me a new and deeper appreciation for military families.
New brides and new parents.
It broke my heart and made me cling to The Barren even more.

The following day, Father's day, some of the brides family was gathered at an aunts home.
An uncle, went upstairs and never came down.
It was quite a shock, and totally unexpected.
This Uncle was the brother to the other musician that played in the wedding.
A friend to The Barren
Death seems to be all around me right now

And then today, I awoke from a dream that has me scratching my head.
I had a dream I had IVF done, on a whim. My eggs were projected onto an overhead projector for us to see prior to insemination. They were flat oblong shapes, three of them. Like, grains of rice, broken and poorly shaped.
I had them inseminated and then was told to have an orgasm to "set them deeply into my uterus"
We went to a movie theatre afterwards that was filled with people I recognised from high school. Unaged and staring at me.
I began to have a panic attach and grabbed The Barren and was crying
" I can't do this, these babies will never grow, they are all broken.
I can't go through all this pain again"

Then I woke up

 I am not sure I know what this means...I am feeling loss
In newer and deeper ways maybe?
I know I do feel lost


nicole said...

Sigh. I am so sorry to hear you facing so much mortality in a short period of time dear lady. That is A LOT. The breast cancer is heavy. Someone's uncle dying right after a wedding is heavy...

And being at the military base, sounds like a lot. I think your description of a haunting waiting room sounds like a perfect description.

Very interesting dream as well.. a lot going on there - the insemination being on an overhead projector - that image really grabs me.

Hugs to you. It sounds like a couple of intense weeks... thinking of you and sending you good vibes!

LaLa said...

I am so sorry about your friend. That is heartbreaking! I will be keeping her and her family in my thoughts and hoping for the best for all of them.

I'm deeply moved also by your dream. I have been having troubled, half-remembered dreams similar to this for the last few weeks, and they are disturbing and difficult to put into words why since I know they should be classified as run-of-the-mill anxiety. I hope the feelings of loss are fleeting and you're able to move on to a happier mindset very soon.