Sunday, September 04, 2011

Cry me a river

Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.
I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.
I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.

We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.
We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around
and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a we were inside an ark.
It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or
removed from where the service was being held.

When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.
Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.
( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)
When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!
Who does that!
When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,
I let myself cry.
Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.
When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.
I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.
I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.
(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)
As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.
After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.
Not only for myself but also for Hubby.
We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.
Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell
I on the other hand, simply let them flow.
I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.
Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"
I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.


Nicole said...

hugs to you. Good job on taking care of yourself. I know it must have been hard to miss the reception, but it sounds like you did what was best for you.

it is strange the things that suddenly get to us. When we least expect it.

Pearl said...

Kudos on recognizing what was the best thing to do. I hope you feel better soon.