Thursday, August 04, 2011

I am a wanderer

I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.
I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.
This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.
Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.
I said maybe and really thought I would go.
As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.
I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.
It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests
the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.
The tears and sudden need to to leave work.
All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.
All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.
On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.
I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.
I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.
I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"
I am sure it was from The Barreness


nicoleciomek said...

funny, i just got invited to a happy hour with some old co-workers from where i worked when i found out i had cancer. i really hated that job before cancer, but after, it was just worse. i like these people a lot, but i don't think i am going to go.

it happens. it is hard to see people, places that pull you back into the memories.

I think you are doing well on this working to be whole again. I can see it in the time i have been reading your blog. Realizing we cannot do something is so smart I think. Knowing what we can't handle instead of forging ahead, no matter what. Luckily, it is almost friday, and you are almost free from it and hopefully that unfocused feeling.

The Barreness said...

Thank you Nicole <3
I know it was the right thing, but sometimes it is hard to make the right choices.

Mali said...

I think after going through something like this that we learn what we can and can't cope with. One day, maybe you'll feel strong enough to see them again. In fact, I'm sure you will. When you don't relive the emotions and despair you felt when you knew them. But in the meantime, avoiding reliving those emotions is sensible self-protection. And good for you for recognising that.

bean dreams said...

Just finding your blog and completely relate to this post. I find myself in these situations over and over again. Anything and everything can take me to the worst appointments, to the hospital, to my infertility. I understand.