I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.
I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.
This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.
Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.
I said maybe and really thought I would go.
As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.
I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.
It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests
the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.
The tears and sudden need to to leave work.
All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.
All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.
On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.
I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.
I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.
I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"
I am sure it was from The Barreness