Friday, February 18, 2011

The long wait


I feel as though I am on the edge of taking a large leap and floating thru the sky never to land.
I said aloud the other day, "I am tired of my life being on hold"...in a strange holding pattern for pregnancy.
I am over 40, have no plans to have assistance in getting pregnant or becoming a mother; and am just now beginning to really see that I have been holding back.
Restraining myself most unconsciously.

After so many years of holding on, holding back and waiting.
Not eating this or eating that...thinking 9-15months ahead of time, wondering, planning, waiting.
Wanting to go here or there, do this or that, but knowing that I needed to be near a doctor or ER.
Saving money here or there not knowing when we might need it for a child or co-payment.
Everytime I moved a piece of furniture, or brought something new into the house wondering how long before I would have to move it out to make room for another person.

I am exhausted and disappointed in all this waiting and restraining.

I feel as though I am on the precipice of personal freedom
I am ready to jump out of the basket I have been carrying around that holds items I have gathered.
I am ready to LIVE again and stop waiting
I want to be free of my baby-hopes and restraints

7 comments:

Kitty said...

What a great post, I'm (strangely?) so excited for you! I've been starting to catch a glimpse of all the potential that's out there for myself, and I know there's AT LEAST as much out there for you. :)

La Belette Rouge said...

I am feeling that "I am tried of waiting for my life to begin" feeling. I feel like i have been on hold for so long that the soundtrack of my life is Musak. I so relate to the constant restraint and I am so tired of it.

Hooray for living!! Cheers to that, lovely you!xoxo

Andie said...

I would have to say the one thing that I learned early on (oh you know, maybe in year two of five)was that there is absolutely no point in living for a "maybe"; putting things off because of a possibility or turning down opportunities etc. Life is short, and we need to make the most of it. Live, laugh, love...:)

PS. Love the pic of you reading the book in the other post.

ICLW

Kira said...

I was just thinking the other day about what me and my husband have put on hold "in case" we got pregnant. It's sad and alarming to think of the things we passed up. While we are in a very different place (still in our mid 20's) I recognize the real possibility of getting to the place you are at now.

I love that you are embracing the freedom to live. And I absolutely LOVE your art :)

Kristin said...

It's so hard to live with your life on hold. I hope that no matter what you decide, you find peace, contentment, and, ultimately, happiness.

ICLW #19

Kate Bentley said...

Over here from ICLW - I was drawn to your Blog from the title - when we had the ability to joke, I was Baronessy and my husband was Laird Jaffa. But that is by the by really. I just wanted to say, I have crossed over, but you never forget - you are walking a path I feared to tread, and are walking it with great style. I had a mantra through the bad years - took a while to find it mind you - but it was, I can't change what is going to happen, just the way I deal with it. What ever 'it' was, it gave control back to me. Sending much love for the future xxxxxxxxxxx

Kate Bentley said...

Just back again as I hadn't seen your art and wanted to. It is absolutely beautiful. Strikingly simple, yet packs a punch - and can I say surprisingly peaceful? 'The seeds were sown', 'Xenophobia' and 'I tried nesting' all spoke to me. Loved it. xxxxx