Friday, January 14, 2011

a horrible possiblity

I am still on a slippery slope...but feel I am at least moving upwards.
At dinner last night I was feeling lighter then I have been in a few days and then something brought up the topic of acne....and my hubby said " you know the article about accutane " my head stopped and I dipped back below the surface.

I was just 11 or 12 when the dermatologist wanted to start me on the trials of this drug...being 12 I was afraid of needles (the drug required regular blood work while taking it) so I waited until I was 17 to take it. I had HORRIBLE cystic acne, I was on antibiotics for years for it, as well as all sorts of topical creams and dealt with invasive procedures all in hopes to reduce my acne. This acne had already wiped away all my self-esteem and still has it lasting effects to this day with me trusting people.

I was teased horribly for YEARS as an elementary kid, jr high kid and then high schooler.
I had one friend, and she was considered the fat girl that no one talked to.
 I also had braces and my image of myself was not a bright one.
I was the stereotype they had in movies.

At 16/17 I finally had had enough and went on the drug, it worked great but after the first round was over my acne came back again...I was told "this only happens in 3% of the cases" well meet miss 3%
so I went on another round and that knocked it all away.
My boyfriend at the time was also on it and we would get our blood work done at the same time,
romantic I know.

So after last nights reminder, I was shot back to being a little kid and my bullies telling me to put my head in a bag as "you are not worth looking at"  that bullies name was James. I remember you.

I wonder if I would have made different choices if I had known that I was possibly taking away my chance to become a mother.

1 comment:

La Belette Rouge said...

I look at my history of eating disorders and have read about their impact on infertility and I ask myself if my own behavior is to blame. Only I won't allow myself to give myself too much time to ruminate on it. It's out of my control and no matter the cause it doesn't lessen the pain. And I just don't need to do anything to amplify my pain on the topic.
I guess I am hoping that you don't blame yourself. It was what you needed to do at the time. It was a way of taking care of yourself and your self-esteem.
Big hugs, my sweet friend.xoxo