I have been having panic attacks, and sleeping poorly.
I have been dreaming of bugs, and roller skates and babies and waterfalls and all of them have me searching.
I am exhausted when I awake.
I have found myself overwhelmed by the simply things in life, like deciding what to eat for dinner.
I need a break, but I am trying to find a time when that can happen.
I tried to see Santa at the mall with my father; it is a new tradition that we have started. Being a Jewish kid, we were really never part of the magic that is Santa, and my father and mother simply fed us what they were taught too. Now my dad and I try to have a picture taken with Santa, I have told him that it simply means we believe in magic, nothing more nothing less.
He called me and asked if I wanted to go I was delighted by the idea, blinded by what I might encounter.
My parents arrived and we headed to see the bearded man, there was a LONG line filled with babies, toddlers and mothers. I looked at my dad and said " I don't think my management skills are gonna cover me" he looked at me, my mother looked at me...I stood there for a moment longer, assessing the crowd again...and feeling the primal need to run, run away fast and hard....I swallowed hard and said again " I can not do this right now" totally heartbroken.
We left the line and I was shaken to the core.
We walked and really said nothing much more, I found myself apologizing.
Asking for forgiveness for my weakness.
I really wanted to feel the magic, I really wanted that photo with my father, his act of rebellion against all that he was taught. I couldn't have it this year.
As strong as I thought I was, I found myself just as weak.
I did manage to fight back tears, and not cry in front of them.
I am still not sure why I choose to not cry, I am always crying in public places...
but not this time.
Christmas came and went and the new year is around the corner.