Wednesday, June 09, 2010


"many choices"

I have been quiet...and I think I am simply processing.
I have graduated from therapy and have been shifted to "call if needed" status.
This is a big deal for me. I think in many ways I am still adjusting.
 When I started therapy 5 years ago I had given up on myself and my hopes,
 I didn't care if I slept days away on pain pills or if I didn't eat.
I was a shell of a person and terrified that if I went into therapy
 I would not retain the very last bits of self that I had left.

I was gladly wrong.
I think I came out of the whole thing with myself, intact and recharged.
Over the last 5 years I learned to manage my grief, my dark depression, my infertility much much better.
I wanted to learn how to not be bitter.

I still struggle daily at times with sadness and anger, but I have the skills to find new ways to deal with it.
I speak a lot more openly about our infertility, and in fact will be having a solo art show that in centered around my personal experience with it.

I have stopped trying to push The Barreness away and instead strapped on the baby Bjorn.
I will always have her on my back; sometimes she will be asleep sometimes screaming demands.