Nothingness

I don't feel like doing anything, nothing.
I have tried, in fact most of this week, has involved me trying. Pushing forward and moving...slowly but moving none the less.

I think the level of loneliness has started to pile up on me.
I feel very alone.

A friend mentioned that they were going to gather pine cones for me. Apparently they are a symbol of fertility. I told her I couldn't do this any longer, I wanted off the roller coaster, I wanted to gain back the life lost in waiting and hoping. I told her this months ago, I think she is still hoping for me. She and I had started to try at the same time, and now she is 13 weeks pregnant and I am waiting for my late period to begin.
I know it is late, as I took another pregnancy test this morning and was greeted with another "not pregnant" on the stick.

It is only a matter of time, before she begins to realize that I am not a fertile womb. Heck it is only now that I am really coming to terms with the idea that I am not going to be a mother.

So I continue to bob in the vast ocean of this reality. My arms and legs numb, my back sore...my desire to eat ice cream on a stick- strong.

Summer is here and I am flooded with images of idyllic childhoods, and times gone by....and I feel nothing when I am not crying.