I know this, as not only do I carry it every day, but it is marked by the birth of my goddaughter.
I was in pain the night she was born but refused to leave my friends side while she labored to have her. Three days later I was in the ER with a nearly exploding ovary, and a doctor telling me that I should just have my ovaries removed. A week following that, I was taking pictures of another friends wedding who was full with baby.
Over these last years I have:
* Been working on resetting my body and fighting off knives and suggested surgeries.
* I have been taking birth control pills and praying that I got a dummy pack and would amazingly still get pregnant.
* I have been suppressing the anger from a misdiagnosed ultrasound that changed my whole world.
* I have been in grief counseling to help me come to terms with the loss of what was taken away
* I have locked away my dreams of a child
* I have worked on not being cynical, but have not been successful
* I have tried to convince myself that being a woman without baring children still makes me whole, when knowing it is me simply ignoring a huge hole within myself
* Tried to believe that the universe is really not out to get me for things I have done in my life
* Worked on understanding that I did not will this on myself
* Stated to myself that my husband got shortchanged, duped, or "the rug pulled out" from him
I had my annual with my doctor this last month, it is one of the worse experiences for me as I am often in the office with a woman who is about to burst-babies. This year it was simply me...refreshing and a sign of what was going to be different.
My doctor had written last year that "I didn't want" children and I was set to get this information straight this year.
I came out of the gates on fire the minute she walked into the door...and explained that I would always want children, but did not want assistance to create them...
I knew that after so long and false test results I was past the prime to have them now...
She examined me and stated something I had not heard to date...
" I think you should try again if you want"
I have a 40% chance that something would go wrong...and not have a "perfect" child at my age.
But
that means that there is a 60% that all will be fine.
I have high risks of long bed rest and gestational diabetes, c-sections and extreme pain from the 2nd trimester until birth (because of the possibility of my fibroids dying from lack of blood)
All these things are to be weighed in our thoughts about trying again....trying again
Opening Pandora's box....
Semen sample in my cleavage....turns out his sperm is perfect....it is all me.
It is now that the we wait, and see if we want to have a baby...reopening that door is dangerous. I was hit when twisting the knob to the door, I was overtaken with all my boxed away hopes and dreams...I was smothered with desires and visions of a small person all our own.
I have taken on the name and proudly (if not quietly) held the title The Barreness for so many years. Would I be the person that I despised, the person who finally got pregnant after years of not getting pregnant...or will I return to my lair after weeks of new physical and emotional pain.
Once I step into this pool, it is hard to get back out if things go wrong....
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