Deconstructing my nest

It felt like I was dismantling the nest I had started to weave, pulling sticks apart and throwing fluff to the winds.
I decided to clean last weekend, you know, too much time on my hands. I cleaned out my bathroom cabinet.
In doing so, I dusted off all that nest, those woven sticks and fluff.
I unearthed boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests and ovulation kits. I dusted off the ovulation scope; and remembered looking into the glass hoping to see " ferns" from my dried saliva.

There were so many sticks and boxes, it made me realize that I was desperate, I really wanted this and I really did try.
I remember thinking that couldn't bear the idea of throwing out a box.
If I threw out a box, it meant that I failed.

The Barreness was born from this.

Sedation

I found myself hoping again that my period would not arrive. Even as I laid in bed and experienced my back tightening and my abdomen ache.
I thought for a moment, wouldn't it be the biggest of surprises to be pregnant. It is a sweet daydream, no malice, just joy in the idea.

It is when that fluffy cloud dissipates that I realize that the blood will arrive and I will hide from the pain with pills, hot baths and sedated sleep.

How deeply it still hurts.

Mother's Day

As Mothers day approaches, I feel anxious. My mood is hard to read, even to myself.
The day was created by the card industry, I am well aware of that, but it does not change what the meaning of the day does to me.
I think my mother finally understands what a painful day this has become and has made efforts to make the day "easier" for me. I don't attend massive luncheons with family, but instead just have a simple one-on-one kind of day with her and my father.
I avoid television commercials, and try to focus on thing at a time to eliminate the wall of images and sound bites thrown at me.

I use to celebrate it in a big way, I would make sure all my aunts and grandmothers and mother-in-laws got something. I made donations to breast cancer funds in their names, sent cards, made things.
I made a special effort to make sure that the Aunts that did not bear children were included, because they meant so much to me. Those fine women are all gone now, and I know that my tradition has gone with them.

I wanted to send cards to all the "mothers" I know, but the list became overwhelming and I found myself crying in the card section of the store. I have decided to simply make breakfast for my mother and send a card to my sister-in-law for the afternoon's BBQ I am not attending. I don't have it in me to make things or get gifts, or make multiple calls. I feel badly about that but I have to deal with that reality.

Maybe I will be away for Mother's day next year.
I know my mom would understand.