Screaming

The feeling of missing something is there almost all days. It is similar to leaving something behind when you take off on the plane. You wanted to bring it but it is too late to bring it now. I feel this way...that desire to have a child but I seduced away from these thoughts by the distractions of the day.

I have been having some unwanted side effects from some medication I am taking and it made me wander down a familar street of thought, could I be pregnant...but the pain began and I was quickly reminded that I am not. My uterus would not have it.

The recent news of more babies coming into the world have woven themselves into my recent thoughts, I read a blog of a woman who gave birth in her bathtub and read it with tears streaming down my face....I was suppose to do that, I was suppose to have that.
I feel an urge to send a congratulations card to my friends and soon-to-be mothers, but something stops me, something makes me forget to for one more day. I am not ready to I guess, or just don't want to, can't.

I went to talk to another friend and she was contending with her two daughters, one screaming in protest to the prospect of a car ride, the other begging to leave. I watched her as she held the screaming daughter, letting her kick and cry...talking to her in a totally calm voice. "Why are you crying, what do you need?...I can not understand you when you cry..." I stood in silence, witnessing something I feel I would never be able to do. It made me feel like a failure once again, failed to make a baby and with motherhood. It will always be something I can admire from afar...but never hold close, like the screaming child.