Saturday, October 22, 2011

The past repeats itself

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion

I am not sure where to start, after recovering from this cold...I am left sad.
In fact today I actually said aloud " boy, it is heavy. I can feel it pushing into my chest"

The first of three, happened two years ago Friday.

I am trying to really process all these feelings.
Something has shifted again within me.
Like a knowledge, an understanding of sorts.
Like when you are faced with a complex puzzle, at first you are overwhelmed and everything becomes frantic and blurred and chaotic.
Then after staring at it for a while you realize that there is a solution, but it is a labored one.
It can be solved.

I feel like that these days. Like I have realized my boat sailed.
I am standing on the shore watching it fade into the horizon, sometimes waving a fancy scarf on tip-toes with a smile and a tear.
Other times, just staring dazed, as tears stream down my cheeks.
Knowing I will never be a passenger on that ship.
I am trying to be kind to myself, allow myself to be quiet...
allowing myself to cry, if there are tears...
scream if there is rage..
Mostly tho, I feel defensive, and short of breath

We are filling our home this weekend with friends and family.
I wanted to infuse some joy into the house.
Maybe I am secretly wanting to push all the sorrow out...
let it go let it pass into the next place.
We build an altar for Dia De Los Muertos; I have little things for the lost ones...they are represented on the altar...quietly

One of the things I struggle with daily, is the feeling of not feeling connected to the past, for I can not create a future generation.

My mother was sent recently, a piece of family genealogy and it lists my great great grandparents birth homes and children and dates...the normal stuff.
I had always known that my great great grandmother had 11 children and my great grandfather use to tease her if she " just had one more it would be an even dozen"
This offered many laughs thru the generations.
There is a note on her record that she did have 11 babies, but only 8 lived.
She lost 3 babies too.
It made me feel her so closely, it scared me.
Maybe I am feeling her too, maybe history does repeat itself,
and this is how I connect with them.


Mali said...

You are connected, past and future. This is a beautiful post. I hope you have a good weekend.

Stinky said...

wow, compelling post, I never looked at it that way, that connection to the past, just in terms of 'those who have lost' and 'those who have not'

Loved the imagery of the ship sailing. Like I said, compelling . . .

Nicole said...

You and I, my dear lady, seem to be in similar spots right now. Damn this sad fall.

This is a beautiful post filled with sorrow and truth. I love your writing because it always so elegantly describes the pain and sadness.

You are connected to the past and future - you are touching more lives than you even can imagine.

i am glad you are letting yourself feel what you need to. it is the best way to heal.

sending hugs and love to you. if i lived closer, i'd make you some tea or share a bottle of wine with you.