Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Churning



My goddaughters live next door.
This is a mixed blessing...
We share a single wall.

Next door, the top of the stairs has a landing, that landing is the "time out" zone for the girls....
on the opposite side it is in our kitchen wall.

On Saturday, I was shaken to the core when I heard my goddaughter 
screaming, well more like shrilling in a deeply primal way and stomping her feet.

We could hear her thru the wall and feel her stomps in our floors.
Her screams left me wanting to throw up,
I was panicked, like a wild animal running for the hills during a natural disaster.
I was unable to focus on work and was pacing up and down the hall, my hubby was slowing turning up his amplifier so as to drown out the sounds.
We were both beside ourselves.

We spoke to our friends later that night and came to find out that something has shifted in her.
They are not sure what, but she is angry, mad mad angry.
The fit earlier that day, had her father wrapping himself around her like a bear-hug, so she would not hurt herself or the wall that she was punching and kicking as she let it all out.
I could do nothing and yet, 
I am not sure how I would deal with it if that was my child.
I fear I might run away and hide.
I would run
run 
run

In reflection of this, I am questioning what kind of mother I would have been...maybe this is another form of proof that I was not destined to be a mother. 
When things get hard, and painful my first impulse is to run

1 comment:

Kate Bentley said...

It is a primal force that children can let rip in a way that we adults rarely do. But maybe we need to sometimes. I think it takes them as much by surprise as it takes everyone else. And it definitely is a learning curve to deal with - you either resort to how your parents managed you or you have to re-think your thinking.

Loved the illustration at the top - I have a thing about old fashioned children's illustration and the time gone past - rose tinted glasses and all that xxxx