Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mothers Day

I made it thru mothers day...there was some drama, some backlash, some response to our absence.
I was able to turn the channel when a commercial came on, or when a movie played. I turned off the radio when an ad was touting the all you should do for your mother.

I mostly did damage control. Control potential damage. 

Mothers day also fell on my fathers birthday...I wanted to celebrate my dad's birthday but not Mothers day.
We did his birthday, a day felt like we had moved his birthday, like I had asked them to change their lives because of our sensitives...this is still sitting heavy with me.

My father was a little upset that we don't celebrate mothers day...I am not sure he can really wrap his head around the depth of hubby and my loss; the daily reminders and images.
I managed to give gifts to four women, this was the best I could do and was happy that I managed that. It was hard to walk past those of mother themed cards and images, but I did and came out with something for them. It hurt, but was manageable and I was able to pack it away into a box that I can address in smaller pieces as time passes.
We mostly stayed home, my hubby made us homemade waffles and we ate them causally and together.
We stayed inside and watched movies and in the afternoon attended an art event I was showing in.
The venue was filled with costumed children who shuttled about here and there squealing and laughing.
We heard a lot of people wishing each other a happy mothers day and I was silent...I tried to keep conversations on work and subject.
I felt mostly numb, mostly, sometimes it felt more like floating.
Like in a dream when you look in on yourself.

When I did feel, it was the deep deep sorrow that surrounds you like a bath.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Round and round

I began to shake, deep shaking and then the fact I am still shaking...
I rushed to see...what I had feared.
 Blood lots of blood and tissue lots and lots of tissue.

I can not share this with anyone...I didn't get a postive pee test...I was late and thought nothing of it.
In many ways I am glad I didn't see the lines, only to find myself days later, here.
I am spun
saddened and spun