Saturday, January 03, 2009

It has been a while...maybe some things just will never change

It has been a while since I have posted my feelings.
My emotions are raw right now...a few things have collided at the same time again for me.
Things often seem to happen in groups in my life...a constant overlay of I spend days, weeks or months trying to unpeel one from another as others stack anew on top of them.

I was working hard this December, trying to make all my other ventures succeed, when I got a call that my Grandmother was about to die. I rushed off to see her one final time and ended up lost in a week...then another and here I am three weeks out, still trying to get back on my bike of life and get pedaling again.
In the meantime, Christmas and Solstice and Hanukkah have all appeared and so have the children, as a seeming mocking reminder.
A visit with my husbands lifelong friend started in a park, filled with children at play...most of which (at least 6 of them) followed us back to the parents home while another 7 or so went to another home. Then the hours of visiting consisting of watching and cooing over the children followed. Conversations about how all his friends have kids...and be careful you might want some of your own too...
I spent that visit quiet and vacant in my mind, though, I think I was able to pull off the "Mona Lisa" smile for most of it.

This visit was followed up with a house call to my parents, to simply check in on them. A few more emotional hours followed that.

I had a visit from a friend, wanted to spend some time with me, all while escaping from her 3 year old, husband and mother-in-law for the night. We heard a lot of stories of how she is being tested and how trying it is raising this 3 year old has become. We did our best to sympathize all while making sure she did not think we were judging her. We weren't, we were simply jealous of every trail and task that she is facing. Even the "grass is always greener" theory didn't stick for long.

All the while I am mourning my grandmothers loss....she and I had a unique relationship. I was the first grandchild and the first girl in I don't really know how many my birth was special and my development was watched and critiqued. Sometimes quite harshly.
I was terrified to tell my grandmothers of my loss, my, our inability to have a child. I am the last one in my family to carry on our faith, my husband is the last of his it was a big deal.
My grandmother had also started stepping deeper into dementia and Alzheimer's so I was afraid of the constant repeated questions. When I told her, she simply cried. No words...just tears. She never mentioned it again, except to ask if I was still in pain. That amazed me. I think under all that loss she understood I was lost too.
I watched her take her last breath, and I watched my father cry a deep wailing cry.

One friend called me after her death to see how I was. I called all of them, let them know and all the details of the funeral and all....the same friend that called sent a card a week later...but that was it. I feel run over, I feel lost...and confused and alone.

Someone at the gallery said "oh I am sure your grandmother would be proud" set off a series of questions in my mind. All of which made me wonder whether she would be or not. She didn't really understand why I chose the Arts for a life long vocation...and made her displeasure of it clearly known. So I am not sure...still.

I have an appointment for an annual this week...I dread them; not for the normal fingers in all orifices reasons, but the questions that are required.
I am dead set in letting her know that her statement at last years meeting " so you don't want children" is not true...but instead that the correct answer is, " I will always want children, but assistance to make them is where we have drawn the line"
I go over that conversation in my head, over and over again, and it always feels like I am being attacked and need to defend myself.
I don't like that feeling.

So here I sit at some random hour of the day or tomorrow or whenever.
I feel lost, alone, afraid and sad all at the same time.
I just want to feel something lighter this year...happier, and fulfilled.
I don't want to carry The Barreness around all year with me. I want to turn her on her ear and make her squirm.

I went to the garden this morning to water and check the veggies, and I started to ask my husband to take a picture of me...I often took pictures of my food or me in the garden and sent them to my grandmother to enjoy. I stopped in my tracks today and simply cried and felt silly.
I took a picture...but I can not send it. I simply have it as a reminder of where I am today and all the layers of feelings and thoughts I am under.

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