I found myself hoping again that my period would not arrive. Even as I laid in bed and experienced my back tightening and my abdomen ache.
I thought for a moment, wouldn't it be the biggest of surprises to be pregnant. It is a sweet daydream, no malice, just joy in the idea.
It is when that fluffy cloud dissipates that I realize that the blood will arrive and I will hide from the pain with pills, hot baths and sedated sleep.
How deeply it still hurts.