I haven't written in a while, as I was trying to distract myself with living.
I have had a lot of other events to play with and so this constant undercurrent has been mutable.
In the last week it has been churning, maybe because I have begun to loose focus, the battle to remain in check has been just that, a battle.
I have felt so overwhelmingly lonely as of late that it makes me feel even smaller.
I tried to clean, thinking that what I needed was to simply find order again and then all those trains can run on all their own tracks and I could jump from train to train depending on my mood.
My trains keep finding junctions, forks, meeting points.
I keep having this feeling like I am forgetting something and simply whittling away my days. Thinking tomorrow I will do more, tomorrow I will be more, tomorrow will be better.
When will today be that tomorrow?
I often find myself looking in circles, staring at walls or going to my pacifier the TV to make me forget that all is not running smoothly. I am unfocused and afraid that I have really blown it.
I really want to start living, but I don't know how...
I am in fear of slipping back into a deep depression, falling behind on my hopes for my art...the trains all colliding and exploding, leaving nothing recoverable behind for me to find.
How will I find my way out of this dark, moody place I am in...
