Monday, April 23, 2012

Fragile


I was rushing off to the ER again yesterday to meet my parents. My mother was in pain once again and her bladder was not letting her sleep; making her go to the bathroom every 15minutes.
As I was racing into town, I sent a text message to a friend
 " mom back in ER, I am off to meet her there"
Within a moment, I got a response
" do you need help"
this caused me to cry....not only was the response immediate, but it was an offer from the heart.
I responded
 " I might need an ear to listen later"
immediately followed with a
 " I am here for you"
I felt comforted...and not alone in my journey back into the dark of emotion.

Last week when my mother was in a sleep deprivation state of delusion (she hadn't slept in 4 days and was given an anti anxiety drug to help her sleep; but all it did was agitate her further) she started directing her anger at me.
My father was not allowed in the room (she didn't want to see him) and so heartbroken,
he sat all day in the waiting area.
My mother was convinced that we had put her away. 
I had disappointed her terribly and that "you don't know what it means to give motherly love"
(that was the mildest of her thinking about me) 
after being berated for over two hours I finally called in my brother.
text read:
" I need your help, mom is convinced we have put her away"
My brother arrived and repeated the words I had been saying to her for hours:

No you can not go home yet, you are not healthy enough to go home
Don't pull on your catheter
Your oxygen needs to be in your nose
You can not stand up, your legs are weak from being in bed for four days

She heard him, and aside from removing the batteries from her heart monitor
she behaved herself for him and her nurses.
She refused to make eye contact with me,
 and when she finally fell asleep at 5pm on the 4th day, she slept for 8.5 hours.
I spent the night in the hospital (dad was not allowed in the room still and my brother needed to get back to work), so they wouldn't restain her;
 I feared when she came to from her sleep she would feak out she was restained
 and I got her cathater removed so she " had no strings"

I stayed awake all night.
Watching her and making sure she was safe
When sleeping beauty awoke from her first slumber, she was confused but remembered that she had said some really mean things to me, and started to cry.
I held it together, just barely...
She thought she was in a mental health ward, I told her she was in the hospital
She had a lot of gray areas, and I was happy to answer any questions she had.
I stayed until my father arrived and they were kissing and my dad was proposing to her again.

Then I drove home and took a nap.
I was shaking for most of that day.

Yesterday when the ER call came, I went into "figure it all out" mode again.
I left the house this time and set up a catch-net for myself.
I cried on the way there, and by the time I arrived I was together and able to listen to what doctors said, what my mother wanted and what my father needed.
Consoling my father and advising my mother
When I arrived home at the end of the day Hubby made me a HUGE bowl of Mac and Cheese
 and I sat in my PJ's staring at the wall for a while.
When I finally said something I said: "we are all so fragile"

11 comments:

Sara said...

Fragile indeed we feel, yet desperately strong at heart. You were there for your mother and family and held it together when you had to. Doesn't sound so fragile if you look at it that way. :)

I hope your mum improves soon.

Popped in from ICLW.

robin said...

Oh my Gd what a terrible and heartbreaking experience. You don't sound fragile at all, you are so strong. I'm sorry you went through that.

Mali said...

I really feel for you - going through something with my own mother right now - and hope your mother is better soon.

My father said some terrible things when he had cancer - totally out of character. It seems to me that illness affects the brain and changes it and their personalities - even temporarily. It wasn't really your mother speaking.

St Elsewhere said...

What an ordeal.

Sending many healing and peace-filled thoughts, especially to your mum.


#24

StacyLee said...

Popping in from ICLW and just wanted to say u r so right when u stay we r all fragile in one way or another we r but its the strength of r heart that gets us thru!!!! I hope that ur mom is feeling and doing better!!!! Sending u lots of positive happy thoughts!

mommy someday said...

Hi, here from ICLW. What an ordeal your family is going through right now. Hoping things start turning around soon for your mom especially.

LaLa said...

Big hugs, hun. Her rantings were from the illness and lack of sleep, but I'm sure it still hurt. How very, very scary for you all.

Take care of yourself, and hope you mom's recovery is swift.

stinky said...

wow what an intense time. Awesome for having a great friend who was there, and awesome that your parents have you - I LOVE that last line

Nicole said...

HUGE HUGE HUGE hugs to you. I am so sorry that your mom has been ill and I do hope she's starting to recover. You are such a strong lady and wonderful daughter to stick by her through this difficult period.

I hope your week is getting better and you are doing ok. let me know if you need anything!!

returntogobaby.com said...

Hello, from ICLW. I've been thinking about how fragile we all are for a couple of weeks. Life seems so fleeting at times, yet I can't manage to put the infertility into perspective.

katery said...

i'm so sorry to hear about your mom, i hope she is doing better now. good luck.
iclw