Sunday, October 24, 2010

End of days

Ladybird beetle eating aphids in the garden

I took my exhibit down.
I am pretty spun by this whole experience.

I was gone most of today, a dear friend said goodbye to her grandmother.
I fought tears, as her grandmother was one I had known for many years as well and cherished.
It made me remember all the wonderful and special things about my granmothers and how once they are gone you remember all the things you wanted to talk about and all the things you now have missing from your life.
I miss having grandparents.

These last few days of the exhibit have been amazing, in fact everyday the gallery was open there have been visitors! Amazing and wonderful indeed.
I do think that this was the most visited show the gallery had had.

Tonight, all alone, I packed up the images one by one, pulled the nails out of the drywall.
I pulled every label off the wall and lastly removed the show title from the marquee wall.
It was quiet and the air felt heavy.
I was saying goodbye again, I felt every image again.
Read my words and slowly and carefully placed them into their boxes.
As I picked up the guest book, I saw the names of some family members.
I was surprised to see that they came to see the show. 
Then a message on the home phone, they never call...
A tearful voice was on the other end, telling me how she felt about seeing my images and reading my words.
It has made the whole thing even more surreal.

I met a woman the other day that was starting a new business, an infertility "resource center" of sorts. She wants to specialize in hyponotherapy, she comes from a long history in reproductive centers. 
She asked me very pointed questions and wanted to know what I had tried.
I went thru my list of alternative methods and found myself shaking again.
I was feeling them all again; feeling the loss, the hope that was left by the side of the road, and the pain.

She asked for my thoughts on her ideas and desires for her "clinic"
I made suggestions about what she could change in her wording that might be more on the side of empathy.
I felt like I was talking to the enemy, the pusher, the dream pusher....
She said she had never thought outside the box of the reproductive center thinking, she could see another side now. I am wondering if she really did, or if she was trying to wrap her head around the idea that sometimes you don't get what you work so hard for, risk so much for and want so badly.

Maybe I planted a seed;  maybe she will see that although the other side of the fence really has
 grass, it is just not the kind of grass you wanted, even after watering, fertilizing, pulling all the weeds and spending weekends mowing it.
 Sometimes all you are left with are empty containers of products or dead spots.

I have visited an amazing amount of loss this month.
Amongst this all my period was late again, several days late.

I was pulled so easily thru the thick waters of seduction and dreams, into the delusion.
It was not the case, but I was left mad at myself for being enticed by something that will always evade me.

I think I am still mourning, everything 


La Belette Rouge said...

Having seen the show I feel sure that this is just the beginning for you. I don't want to minimize your feelings as this the end of *this* show. But I know that you will soon unpack these works and find a new space for this INCREDIBLE work.
I know how very personal this work and how that makes you vulnerable to insensitivity and some probing into very personal material...that has to be hard. The major upside is that I know that those who saw your work were changed by it. I know that I was. xoxo

the Barreness said...

Thank you Belette.
It means so much to me that you saw the show as well as felt something by viewing it.

I am going to work VERY hard to make sure more people see it too. I don't want to store this show, I really want to simply move it to it's next location.
With that in my mantra, the sky is the limit!
Thanks for the emotional cheerleading!

Kitty said...

I'm also hopeful that your exhibit will be back on display soon. It was such a moving experience, it would be a shame if more eyes didn't get to see it. Thanks for being a powerful voice for infertiles!

Thinking of you and sending hugs.